Other sites are so far behind the times. It’s MoP this, panda that, and yet where is the news on the fourth expansion. I seem to be the only one with my ear to the ground in regard to the developments planned for next year. But luckily for you I’ve gathered all the information I know (let’s agree to use “know” in a loose sense from here on in yes?) in this post – read it here first.
1. NEW WORLD
Forget about new continents and planets. That is so old hat. Yawn city (actually I think that is a city in Pandaria). The developers are thinking far bigger than that now. The entire 4th expansion takes place in an Azeroth alternate reality discovered by Anduin Wrynn after he ate some infused mushrooms (naughty boy). An alternate reality broke open – inventively called New Azeroth – a very different beast from the usual Azeroth and offering brand new challenges to the player.
2. NEW RACE
New Azeroth offers an exciting new race:-
REAL HUMANS – Real human females will be flat chested and plump but have great personalities and a jolly good sense of humour. Unfortunately the males will be beer bellied sloths who will simply grunt if a female human asks them to do anything but amazingly stand up tall (sucking in their bellies) to become the most eloquent creature imaginable if a female blood elf so much as looks at them.
3. NEW CLASS
-The Whinger – a DPS class. The Whinger brings a great deal of power to any group activity. They deliver huge damage to the boss every time they post something critical of the tank in party chat & score a critical hit every time they slag off the healer. You will not want to be without these in your group- and let’s face it you never will be.
It hasn’t got a name yet but it’s fun, cheap, well worth investing lots of time in (and since it doesn’t feel like work the time flies by anyway) and makes you lots of money on the AH both while you’re levelling and once you’re maxxed out. In other words totally different from anything in the current game.
5. NEW “IN GAME” GAME
Forget the pet battle system. By the time this expansion comes out you will be sick of them (remember your old tamagotchi?). The new “in game” game of the 4th expansion is the old classic Bingo. In every inn in every city you will be able to take a seat and cross off your numbers and shout INN loudly whenever you mark off all the boxes. You can’t go wrong with a bit of bingo. 100 million bingo players worldwide can’t be wrong. In fact Blizzard might consider making this the main game & turning WoW itself into an “in game” game when you get bored of the bingo (you heard it here first). The real human race females have a racial 10% lucky ticket bonus which gives them a slight advantage in this activity but the game mechanic means for each hour they sit playing they put on 10lbs and develop a pathological hatred of all female blood elves.
6. NEW TALENT SYSTEM
Alternate Azeroth knows the true meaning of the word Talent not like current Azeroth with all it’s weird things like Nether Vortex and Prismatic Cloak (you what?- speak English man). In Alternate Azeroth there are three talents recognised the world over, namely –
TOUCHING THE TIP OF YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE
Players invest points in each talent tree as follows:-
-SINGING- early levels have talents such as “Solo shower pleasure…singing I mean”, while the middle of the tree offers both “Drunk and tuneless karaoke” and “Let’s all have a singsong in the car”. The final talent is the one to aim for of course – “The Cowell Magic”- this is an ability that you can use during a boss fight. It will immediately make the boss pause his activity, wipe a tear from his eye and pledge he will give you a multimillion pound record deal and make you star. After 10 sec the ability wears off and the boss stabs you in the back – a critical blow.
-DANCING – early tiers include,”Look at me Mam on my tippy toes”. Middle tiers offer both, “I can do the robot even though it’s irritating as hell” and “I didn’t fall over – I was breakdancing”, while the final talent is “The Timeless Travolta”. Pull this out in a boss fight and the boss will be forced to dance the routine with the tank (the rest of the group will support with a nifty back up routine). The humiliation will cause the boss to lose stacks of health. When it’s over he will crawl to the corner weeping and begging the group to put him out of his misery. Which of course we’ll be only too happy to do.
-TIP OF THE NOSE TRICK- early tiers include “I can touch my lip -is that enough?” Middle tiers include both, “This is stupid and now my tongue really hurts” and “Is that the best thing you can do with your tongue”. The final talent is”I did it, I did it, by jove I did it” (or more accurately “I mff m, I mff m, I bb m ff mm” – remember your tongue is touching your nose). This has no benefit at all in a group setting but will keep guild chat occupied for hours as everyone shares their favourite technique.
7. NEW PvP SYSTEM
Tickle fights. That’s all I will say.
So new world, new race, new class, new profession, new talents and new PvP system. This isn’t just an expansion – it’s a revolution that will turn WoW on its head. Forget Pandas. I’m already bored by them and MoP isn’t even released. Fix your gaze on 2013 and the Alternate Azeroth experience – the game will never be the same again.
(Disclaimer….quite a bit of this might not be true …but I am trying to touch the tip of my nose with my tongue as I type.)