So I vowed I wouldn’t buy BfA. I vowed after resubbing a few weeks back and hardly playing that I wouldn’t resub again. But this evening I found myself thinking about downloading Guild Wars and my husband said don’t get Guild Wars, get WoW. “I’ve only just cancelled my sub”, I said. “It doesn’t matter,” he said, “Guild Wars is not what you need right now.” So I went on Battlenet and resubbed. I also bought BfA and it’s downloading as I write this post. “You need it,” he said, and he’s right.
I’m down. I remember writing on this blog years ago that I play WoW when I’m sad, when everything around me feels hard and terrible. And things are hard right now. I’m still in the middle of my cancer treatment – Herceptin injections every three weeks that make my bones ache, make me shiver, make me tired, make me sad. I’ve done chemo, I’ve done radio, I’ve had the tumour removed, but its not over yet. These injections take me up to the end of next Jan. They make me feel rotten. That feels like a long time to feel rotten. Yes I’m alive but I’m not me.
And I’m back in work but not really up to it. Luckily I can work from home when I need to but that doesn’t stop me feeling rubbish and ineffective, imagining everyone rolling their eyes and sighing when I email in once again to say I’m working from home as I just don’t feel well. My Occupational Health report says I should only go in now and again for meetings but I feel like I need to do more so I am doing more. But it’s exhausting. Even taking leave is exhausting. Last week we had a few days away in a caravan and I overdid it walking on the beach and going in the pool. This week I have had fever and shivers. Then found out I have lymphodema of the breast and cellulitis. Now on antibiotics. The fun never stops.
And so I turn to WoW again. And not just a resub but a whole new expansion. I’m hoping it can help me feel better about things. At the very least it might help me wind down a bit. I have a habit of working in some way, shape or form whenever I get on the computer and I know it’s not helping. Yesterday I clenched so hard as I worked on stuff I didn’t need to work on that I gave myself jaw ache. I need to destress
I’ve not read anything about BfA. It all stands before me to be discovered. I am excited but guilty. It’s a lot of money to spend to try and cheer myself up. Meditation comes for free. Or just hiding in my bed. But I’m a gamer. Old habits die hard. So I turn again to Azeroth.