Well we all know what has happened to Garrosh, but what is less well known is that it should never have come to this. A few weeks ago the Azeroth Senate Committee- in a scene curiously reminiscent of Michael Corleone before the Senate Committee in The Godfather Part 2 , tried to call him to account for his actions. This ultimately failed, leading to recent events, but it makes for interesting reading as the following extract from the Committee record shows.
Committee Chairman: Are you the son of Grommash Hellscream?
Garrosh Corleone Hellscream: Yes, I am.
Committee Chairman: And where was he born?
Garrosh Corleone Hellscream: Draenor, straight through the Dark Portal, turn right.
Committee Chairman: Did he at times use an alias that was known in certain circles as “Grom?”
Garrosh Corleone Hellscream: Grom is a term that was used by his friends – one of affection, one of respect. Grommash means “The Giant’s Heart” and my father never liked that. He had an absolute terror of turning into a giant and so use of his full name would upset him. The minute it happened he’d turn pale and run off to get a tape measure. People learned to stop using the full name – apart from tailors that is – they seize any opportunity they can to measure you for a suit.
Senator Thalen Songweaver: Uh, Mr. Chairman, I would like to verify the witness’s statement. Not just the tailor bit – although I do have a love of fashion as you can probably see (does a twirl). For years now a growing number of my spiritual brothers and sisters have been of Draenor Orcan decent, and I’ve come to know them well. They have honored me with their support and bribery … I mean friendship. Indeed, I can proudly say that some of my very best friends are Draenor-Orcs – despite the way they look. And please do not read anything into the fact that as I speak I am edging out of the door Mr. Chairman. At this time, very unfortunately, I have to leave these proceedings in order to preside over a very important committee, a Sunreaver one – I was part of the Kirin Tor you know – I think it’s important to bat for both sides if you get my drift. And while I have the utmost respect for my Orcan brethren I can only take so much of them before I have to teleport to Silvermoon for a bloody good wash. But before I leave I do want to say this: that these hearings on the Hellscream family are in no way whatsoever a slur upon the great Draenor-Orcan people. Because I can state from my own knowledge and experience that Draenor-Orcans are among the most loyal, law-abiding, patriotic, hard working Azeroth citizens in this land. And it would be a shame, Mr. Chairman, if we allowed a few rotten goldenbarks to give a bad name to the whole broken barrel. Because from the time of the great Medivh up through the time of Blackhand right up until the present day, Draenor-Orcans have been pioneers in building, defending, destroying and then partially rebuilding – think of the lumberjacks in Warsong Gulch – how long have they been chopping – our land. They are the deeprock salt of the earth, and they’re one of the backbones of this country- albeit a frequently deranged bloodthirsty backbone that won’t sit tidy in your trousers.
Committee Chairman: I’m sure we all agree with our esteemed blood elf – even though he quite makes my skin crawl. Now, Mr. Garrosh you have been advised as to your legal rights. We have testimony from a witness — a previous witness — one Vol’jin. He has stated that you are head of the most powerful Orcan family in this country. Are you?
Garrosh Corleone Hellscream: No, I’m not. You must have misunderstood Vol’jin. His accent you know … it’s not his fault but…
Committee Chairman: The witness has testified that you are personally responsible for the mana bomb destruction of Theramore and the murder of a High Commander of Stormwind Defence, a Marcus Jonathan, renowned for the thickness of his beard. You deny this?
Garrosh Corleone Hellscream: Yes, I do. His beard was ok but I could easily grow a better one – it’s just that I can’t be bothered.
Committee Chairman: Is it true that you plotted the murder of the heads of the so-called “five families” in Azeroth – Vol’jin, Lort’hemar, Baine, Jaina and Prince William – sorry I mean Prince Anduin Wrynn
Garrosh Corleone Hellscream: That’s a complete falsehood. I intended to sell Baine to the Tillers. They need to build up the livestock part of the farm. See – I’m all about the little people.
Announcer: Chen Stormstout?
Senator Stormstout: (glug glug) Is it true that you have a controlling interest in three of the major inns in Undercity – and if so do you run a loyalty card scheme?
Garrosh Corleone Hellscreame: No, it is not true. Undercity you say? Jeez – it’s an utter shithole – who goes there these days?
Senator Stormstout: (glug glug) Mr. Garrosh, do you have any interests or control over the game Jihui and Wounded Warrior Whisky trafficking in the land of Pandaria because I …well… it’s the sort of thing I have an interest in. I mean games, whisky, what’s not to love. (Looks confused.) Why am I here?
Kil’ruk Tom Hagen: Senator, my client would like to read a statement before this committee.
Senator Stormstout: Mr. Chairman — Mr. Chairman, I think this statement is totally out of order at this time. He hasn’t answered the whisky question yet- surely the most important part of these proceedings?
Kil’ruk Tom Hagen: Sir, my client has answered every question asked by this committee with the utmost sincerity and minimal snarling. He has not taken the 5th amendment or anyone’s head off, as was his right to do. So in all fairness I think the statement should be heard, else none of us are getting out of here alive.
[Senator Stormstout whispers something to the Committee Chairman]
Committee Chairman: No, no I’m going to allow Mr. Garrosh to read his statement and no we can’t order in some beer. Get a grip on yourself panda man. Mr Garrosh has my children tied up somewhere beneath Orgrimmar so I rather think I’d like to hear his statement if you please.
Garrosh Corleone Hellscream: Thank you. And your children are quite safe – seem to be quite enjoying playing hide and seek in Ragefire Chasm – although some of the things seeking them are a little toothy if you know what I mean. Haha. You’ve gone quite pale Mr Chairman. Anyway in the hopes of clearing my family name, and in the sincere desire to give my Horde children the fair share of the Azeroth way of life, without a blemish on their name and background, I have appeared before this committee and given it all the cooperation in my power. There were other things I could have been doing – there is a point to what I’m doing in Domination Point you know – haha, yes I’m also a skilled punmaster but no one ever talks about that. I am trying to rebuild the area – I’ve even had the painters and decorators in. So I consider it a great dishonor to me personally to have to deny that I am a murderer. If a person has no right to exist how can it be murder I ask you that. I mean Darkspear tribesmen – what’s the point? And the Tauren – well I hear in some worlds they are culling badgers to save the Tauren. They shouldn’t bother in my opinion- I’d take a badger as my second in command any day over a fat arsed Tauren. I wish to have the following noted for the record: that I served my country faithfully and honorably in the Shattering and was awarded the title Warchief for actions in defense of my people; I have never been arrested for any crime whatsoever – the thought of doing so gives my enemies a cardiac arrest- see yet another pun – what did I tell you. There is no proof linking me to any Theramore conspiracy, whether it is called “Theramore’s Fall” or “Attack on Theramore” or “First scenario before the Mists of Pandaria expansion” – whatever name you wish to give it. I have not taken refuge behind my Gorehowl though it is my right to do so. I challenge this committee to produce any witness or evidence against me – and Thrall doesn’t count. Can’t stand the bloke these days – cries at the drop of a hat. Particularly if the hat is attached to a decapitated head. Far too sentimental for my tastes. And if no witness is brought I hope you will have the decency to clear my name and allow me to get back to the Vale of Eternal Blossoms – beautiful place – where I understand the heart of an old God awaits me and Taran Zhu wants to have a chat. Business calls, business calls.
Committee Chairman: I’m sure we’re all quite impressed, Mr. Garrosh, particularly with your love for our country. I’m sure Theramore was just a misunderstanding. Who hasn’t launched a mana bomb once or twice in error? And I’m sure those Darkspear tribesmen were a jolly nuisance. The committee will stand in recess until you do whatever you need to do to clear your name. Now my children, they’re in Orgrimmar right, ok ok quite safe with you in the city I’m sure. I will see you soon Mr Garrosh. Be safe.