It’s time for another In the Psychiatrist’s Chair and, given the latest expansion, it seems appropriate to delve into the dark subconscious mind of famous Pandaren Chen Stormstout. Warning – some possible MoP spoilers depending on where you are in the game …Chen cannot hold his tongue after a cask of ale.
Psychiatrist: Chen, welcome.
Chen: Before we begin do you mind if I drink? I’m a little on edge. I’ll only have the one. One cask that is.
Psychiatrist: Well it’s not usual for a client to drink in a session but …ok…ok…you can put the panda teeth away. I’ll waive the rule for once. Why are you on edge?
Chen: Well it’s my niece Li Li. I think she’s gone crazy.
Psychiatrist: Crazy is a very strong word.
Chen: Well what would you call someone who’s talking about liberating turnips, leading carrots to freedom and probably wants to marry a pumpkin? It’s all this Pandaren farm air. It must be. And her violence. Oh my goodness. I’m scared to sleep at night. Any excuse and she’s beating the crap out of some virmen. I’m starting to feel rather sorry for the old chaps. One knitted me a jumper the other day. Most odd. But perfect fit. They’re the next generation of tailors. Mark my words. But anyway she’s a total looney tunes. Rexxar will never want her now.
Chen: Oh me old mucker Rexxar. You must have heard of him. Big chap. Big teeth. Like this … (bares teeth). Always got a bear with him. He loves the animals. Actually that bit made me feel a bit awkward when we hung out. Occasionally he’d put a leash on me. He told me it was a friendship leash but it hurt when he tugged. And I didn’t like it when he made me dance for food – unless it was a jig – I do love to jig. I was hoping him and Li Li …oh doesn’t matter. I think he had a soft spot for Jaina. But then who doesn’t. Show me a man without a soft spot for Jaina and you’ll have shown me a eunuch- FACT (or an undead male whose testicles have….oh never mind). Jaina. Jaina. None so beautiful and few so wise. I think she had a soft spot for me when we met. She tried to tickle my belly. It got awkward because my self defence mechanism kicked in and I clouted her. But we laughed about it afterwards.
Psychiatrist: Is there anything else troubling you?
Chen: Well….it’s a bit embarrassing…and it’s my niece again – she’s got a lot to answer for. She keeps calling me fat.
Psychiatrist: How does that make you feel?
Chen: Are you paid to ask questions like that? How the hell do you think it would make me feel? Who likes being called fat? What if I called you fat? What if I called you the fat psychiatrist..oh …oh ….I’m sorry…
(Psychiatrist is weeping)
Chen: Oh I’m so sorry. It’s the ale I swear. You’re tiny. A mere slip of a girl. I can barely see you in that chair. Where are you? Where are you? Oooh I’m all alone in a scarey psychiatrist office with weird potted plants and magazines. The horror. The horror. Oh no I’m not. There you are. Officially the thinnest – and not for one moment fat – psychiatrist in the world.
Psychiatrist: Thank you. I’m ok now. But I am thin right?
Chen: (soothingly) Very very
Psychiatrist: (unwraps cupcake then looks up defiantly) I’ve earned it. Please continue.
Chen: Well I do what I can. I’m actually a fully signed up member of Azeroth’s new Paleo movement. We need to embrace our ancient hunter gatherer heritage. Definitely. Actually it’s not so ancient. I lived next door to some hunter gatherers in Durotar. And actually now I think about it their eating habits were crap – most of them were vegetarians who fed their pets all the meat. Mind you I would too if my pet was a lion giving me the evil eye. He wouldn’t need to ask me twice. But I digress. I’m very low carb right now.
Psychiatrist: What about the ale? Are you concerned…
Chen: Stop right there. Who’s been speaking to you? Did someone tell you about the incident with Mudmug the other night? We had BOTH had quite a bit to drink. There’s NO shame in it. AND I washed my hands afterwards. That’s all I’ll say.
Psychiatrist: No one has said anything to me about that. It’s just an observation that you’ve now drunk three casks since we started … do you not think that might be a little excessive?
Chen: But it’s all relative isn’t it. Oh….. (face falls)…. I said relative. Oh it’s all coming back. Relative. Never was a word more cruel and painful to me. Except maybe that time I was called a “fat and total and utter waste of space pisshead who should get the hell out and never return.” But mother had a wicked glint in her eye when she said it so I knew she was pulling my leg- even when she handed me my bags and changed the locks. But there are other relatives not so kind…
Psychiatrist: Who are you speaking of?
Chen: (spits the word out) Gao. Old Uncle Gao. Unccie Gao. Big Man Gao. Gao …
Psychiatrist: Ok I get it. Hao.
Psychiatrist: Sorry. What did Gao do?
Chen: He denied me. He denied a Stormstout. We have NEVER been denied. Well ok I have been denied service in a couple of inns but some people just don’t know how to handle a panda doing cartwheels on the bar. That’s their problem not mine.
Psychiatrist: So what are you going to do about Gao and Li Li?
Chen: (sighing and sitting back) Well really what can I do? They’re family. I respect that even if they don’t. I’ll always be there for them even if they turn their back on me. That’s what a Stormstout does. We wait. We drink. We drink while we wait and wait while we…well you get the picture.
Psychiatrist: I certainly do Chen. You know escaping into drink is perhaps not the best answer to….
Chen: I have a cupcake in my pocket…
Psychiatrist: Gimme gimme …I’ve had a really hard day.
END OF SESSION