It’s clear to most of us that many of Azeroth most famous inhabitants could benefit from some psychiatric treatment to work out some of their issues. Today we sit in on Elune the Moon Goddess’s session with her psychiatrist. It will be illuminating (pardon the crap pun) to say the least. Even the oldest of Azeroth’s deities can hit a crisis point in their lives.
Psychiatrist: Elune, welcome. I would like you to try and relax during this session. This is a safe place for you to speak openly and without fearing censure or judgement.
Elune: Good. Because I’ve got helluva lot to get off my chest and I can’t do it out there (gestures to the door). Oh no- out there I’ve got to be all peaceful and light and all “Oh no please don’t fight, pretty please, I hate it when we argue” blah blah blah. When really deep down I’m all “Get stuck in, rip his bloody eyeballs out!” But I’m not allowed to say that. It’s frowned upon.
Psychiatrist: Frowned upon. It’s interesting you say that. Who frowns upon you expressing your feelings?
Elune: Well Malorne for one. He doesn’t like it. He says “It’s not becoming a Moon Goddess.” He’s always very dignified and serious as you probably know. He’s a stag after all. Father of the forest and all that. I respect it but geez sometimes it’s so boring. I just want to kick back and live a little. You know what I mean? Malorne always covers my eyes if there’s anyone around fighting – even if it’s just those newbies duelling in Goldshire. It really irritates me. And Cenarius – well you know what children are like – no matter how old they get. They’re always embarrassed by their mothers.
Psychiatrist: Tell me more about your relationship with your son?
Elune: These days it’s not so good. I let Ysera bring him up and that was a huge mistake. But I had my career to think of at the time. It’s long hours being a Moon Goddess – lots of night shifts. He says I interfere now – but it’s just me trying to get involved. Probably too little too late but there you go. I was only saying to him the other day “You need to trim your hooves, they’re trekking dirt into my temple.” If I did – the look he gave me. Ysera would have taken his eyebrows off with her fiery breath (bad breath I call it- but don’t tell her) if he’d said that to her, but no – it’s only with me he’s like that. He thinks he can get away with it. But I don’t think I was being unreasonable. His hooves are mucky. I need to have a good hour on them with a nail file. I get embarrassed when my devotees see him. He doesn’t really take after me physically…..
Psychiatrist: Tell me about your devotees?
Elune: Well it’s the Night elves mainly – although some of them haven’t got a clue these days to be honest and are starting to be all starry eyed for Ysera saying she and I are actually one and the same. Are they kidding? I’d never let my back get all scaley like that. I exfoliate every day. But my Sentinels are loyal at least. They’ve not let me down like the Kaldorei did way back when.
Psychiatrist: The Kaldorei let you down?
Elune: Yes – you must have heard – it was the talk of the land. In fact it ravaged the land. They got a taste for power. The bad kind. Then their queen Azshara got totally swept away by Sargeras. Weak minded that one – but surprisingly very kind to puppies. Most people don’t know that about her. When she retires she plans to set up an animal sanctuary and I’ve promised to help out volunteering on weekends. Anyway… her shenanigans with Sargeras led to the Burning Legion descending on Azeroth and as you know total disaster.
Psychiatrist: Did you tell the Kaldorei and Azshara how you felt about it all?
Elune: (Sighing) Well I sent Azshara a rather terse note but not sure if she read it. She’d gone a bit doolallytap by then (wiggles finger at head). Plus as I said I’m not really allowed to express myself like that. Malorne likes me to be all calm and dignified – except in the bedroom of course where it’s all “Discipline me mistress, discipline me, I’ve been a very bad stag.” The only thing I can do if there’s ever any trouble going on – and you won’t believe this – is sing a song. It calms people down for some reason- although Malorne says I’m usually a fraction off key and can’t hold a candle to Barbra Streisand, whoever she is.
Psychiatrist: So what do you want to do to change all this? What would you like to be different?
Elune: Well as a starter I’d like to be able to actually say how I feel and not revert to song as if I’m in some bloody Gilbert & Sullivan production. And I know it sounds trivial but I’d also like to start wearing darker clothes. All this luminescence totally washes me out. It makes me look 10 years older and I’m old enough as it is. And I want laser eye surgery. My eyes are orbs of pure moonlight. Pure moonlight! There’s not one working optic nerve between them. It’s the reason why I ended up hooking up with a stag of all things – I thought he was a Titan in fancy dress. And I’m constantly bumping into things.
Psychiatrist: Well could you set some SMART goals for yourself to achieve these three things? For example commit to booking an appointment for a laser surgery consultation in the next two weeks? Perhaps agree with yourself that you will buy yourself a black item of clothing when you’re next out shopping? And consider fixing a time to sit your son and partner down and talk to them about how you really feel.
Elune: Yes I think I could do that.
Psychiatrist: Ok … think about the future now – say five years on. What is Elune like then? What would you like to be doing five years from now?
Elune: Hmmm…interesting. Ok well I’ll have definitely specced as a warrior. It’s a little unusual for a goddess to spec in anything really but I want to start breaking the mould here. And it’s melee all the way baby. None of this standing off afar and singing a little tune. I want to feel the cut and thrust of it – the heat of the battle. All this nonsense about me hating violence – I’ve always said to Malorne “Sometimes you’ve just got to have a good smackdown, it’s the only way to sort things out.” Finally I’ll be able to be open about it all – maybe even show off some of the old martial arts I’ve secretly picked up over the years. I once dressed up as a ninja and attacked Azshara with a flying monkey kick. It was awesome – gave her a concussion for a week. I was just gutted I couldn’t tell anyone that I’d done it … for some reason she thought it was a disgruntled puppy. So yes finally everyone will know who and what I am and how I really feel. It will come as a shock to some. For example truth be told I’m not all that keen on the moon – gives me the creeps. At heart I’m a sun worshipper. And I tell you this – Cenarius will have clean hooves.
Psychiatrist: Ok we’ll leave it there Elune. Good luck with your goals. May Elune …ummm …you … light your path.
END OF SESSION