The Tank and Healer contract


I [Insert NAME OF TANK – likely something like along the lines of Meatball, Toughnuts or Hardboy] hereby agree to the following:-

1.I will arrive in the dungeon with a working knowledge of my class, my abilities, my cooldowns and the way in which aggro works – a general tank shortage does not mean I am God on earth and can do whatever the hell I want.

2. I will say hello to the group including my healer since given he/she is going to be saving my ass throughout the entire run the least I can do  is acknowledge their existence (however pitiful I really find it to be).

3.I will make sure everybody (and I mean everybody) is ready before I start. However much I like to think I can do this dungeon on my own there is a reason they are called 5 mans and it is not because as a tank I have the strength and ability of 5 men (I don’t). This means being aware if the healer needs a mana break and listening if the healer requests a mana break.  I might have a name like Meatball but there must be some grey matter between my ears for even me to  understand that no mana=no healing=quick and painful death.

4.I will know what I can handle and I will check with my healer what they can handle before pulling as opposed to assuming we can both handle anything & everything & discovering pretty quickly (usually via a wry look and sarcastic comment from the spirit healer – “YOU again”) that this is not the case.

5. I will remember to buff myself and others appropriately (this means taking off Crusader Aura please pally tank). Just because I am the tank does not mean I am above all this.

6. I will drink my flask/potion, eat my buff food and make sure my healing potions and  bandages are quickly accessible if I need them.

7. I will HAVE flasks/potions, buff food, healing potions and bandages. A degree of self sufficiency is not just for New Age vegetable growers.

8. I will check the healer is nearby when I pull the next pack of trash or boss and if not I will not sarcastically type “…” – the healer is allowed to loot. Repeat after me – the healer is allowed to loot.

9.If we wipe  I will refrain from pointing the finger immediately at the healer (no cries of “HEALER!!!!” will be permitted- each exclamation point is a breach of the contract for which there will be serious penalties). I will consider my own actions first and reflect carefully where things might have gone wrong in the group &  offer constructive feedback/advice if appropriate (with proper and complete sentences and a noticeable lack of name calling & comments on the healer’s mother).

10. When the run is over I will thank my healer (& all the dps) and then say goodbye and generally act like a civilised human being. This might take practice.

If I as Tank fail to adhere to all of the above the Healer reserves the right to immediate cease and desist healing,  to write something bitter and sarcastic in party chat & then get the hell out of there.


I [Insert NAME OF HEALER  – likely something like Florence, LittleMissPerfect  or simply DivineAngelofMercy] hereby agree to the following:-

1. I will arrive in the dungeon in the appropriate spec and gear that gives me a decent pool of mana to draw from. I will not expect to wear high ilevel gear without any intellect and spirit whatsoever and request mana breaks after every trash pull.

2. I will apply my buffs  and shields to the group in a timely and effective manner –  ideally before they are dead.

3.I will not go to the toilet/get a sandwich/feed the cat/visit my relatives in Australia without telling the group I will be afk. My very presence in a dungeon does not automatically heal people. I  actually have to do something.

4. I will not go all psycho if people new to the dungeon stand in the bad or do something wrong.

5. I will go all psycho if people who have been advised not to stand in the bad and how to do the fight continue to screw it up.

6. While the tank is my first priority, and then myself, I will also try to heal all dps regularly & efficiently. I will not tut/sigh/moan if a dps (innocent of serious wrongdoing) needs healing or, god forbid, actually resurrecting. As a healer I do have to heal. I might think this is unfair but it is actually the case.

7. I will ask for a mana break quickly & early and not sigh like a martyr if the entire group misses my obscure mistyped request i.e. “mwni bah”  does not suffice (and I think it means something rather offensive in Esperanto).

8. I will have mana food in my bag and will not expect every group I’m in to have a mage who can feed me. I am not a baby and mages are not my surrogate mothers. If any seem to want this role and offer to bathe and clothe me I should put them on ignore.

9.I will know what stages of the boss fight deals the most damage and plan accordingly. This means not panicking and freaking out when the boss stomps his foot down and causes immense AoE damage. I should be expecting it & know what to do. Running screaming from the dungeon is not the recommended reaction.

10.After the dungeon is over I will thank the group and say goodbye – reserving the right to vent freely in guild chat (or to my mother/husband/wife/goldfish)  when each of them disappears without a word of thanks back (the tank who does this is of course in serious breach of this contract).

If a Healer fails to carry out all of the above the Tank reserves the right to leave dungeon after a huge pull and laugh for a good hour or so afterwards at the thought of the messy wipe that then followed.

We [Insert NAMES OF TANK & HEALER] agree to adhere to these terms and conditions in every single dungeon run we take part in from here on out. Let the DPS rejoice. There is finally accord between tank & healer.


7 thoughts on “The Tank and Healer contract

  1. Hmm… Addendum.

    I [Insert name of DPS, most likely one of “Skullcrusher” or “Ripface”], hereby agree to the following:

    1. I will present myself at the dungeon entrance in my correct spec, wearing my best DPSing outfit (with the Axe of Many Hurts, and the skulll-and-crossbone motif), and a few stacks of my favourite munchies in my bags.

    2. I will at least utter an RP-compliant “Hi”, or “Hail!” so that my fellow adventurers can see that I acknowledge their puny and unnecessary existence.

    3. If I have a pet, I undertake to keep it on a tight leash, not let it go on its merry way through the dungeon, coming back with many new happy friends.

    4. When the enemy is in sight, I will hold my fire untill such time as the Tank says “Have at ’em, lads, and with a will!” or words to that effect. Should I attack before such a time, I accept that this be taken as volunteering to tank when not equipped to do so, and with healing only at the healer’s discretion.

    4a. If I am a Hunter or Rogue, I will use the tactic where I kick the hated enemy in the shins, then point at the Tank shouting “it was him wot did it!” ONLY when instructed to do so by the Tank.


    5. I will contain my enthusiasm and impatience until such a time as all my fellow adventurers are ready for the next stage in the encounter. I will refrain from pointing out the lateness of the hour, the presence of the enemy, my desire for blood, or otherwise draw attention to my attention deficit hyperactive disorder. I understand that failure to do so may cause severe injury or death, and not necessarily at the hands of the Enemy.

    6. At such a time as the very ground I walk upon be made insalubrious to my person, I undertake to repair to a place not so cursed. I will make no request to the Healer to undo the damage I do to myself if I prioritise hitting the enemy over, to use the technical term, Getting The F-ck Out Of The Fire.

    7. I acknowledge damage measuring tools such as Recount to be tools for self-improvement and analysis of my own performance, and the numbers it reports to have no bearing upon anyone’s worth as a person.

    8. I will avail myself of a way of measuring how much the Enemy hates me, and endeavour to keep this quantity below that of the Tank. Should the Enemy prioritise me over the tank because of excessive aggression, I waive all rights to whine at the tank on the subject of my resulting messy death.

    9. I will pay attention to directions given me by the Tank, and hit what the Tank tells me to hit, or failing that, what the tank is hitting.

    10. If, against all the odds, we manage to survive the encounter, I will thank my fellow adventurers and undertake not to avail myself of any loot inappropriate to my chosen class.

    10a. For the purpose of this rule, “survive” shall be taken to mean that one character with resurrection capability remains upright.

    By the Holy Light, and on pain of being voted out of the dungeon, I swear this.

    [DPS’ incoherent scrawl here].

  2. I would suggest a sub-section of (8). “I will have my ‘ohboyouch’ button properly set to my damage/threat reducing ability, should I have one of those. (Feint, Vanish, Feign Death, etc.). Should I not possess such an ability, I shall run TOWARDS the tank, NOT away from him. I will NOT use such an ability if said mobs would otherwise munch on the healer.

    Sigh. I can dream. In the meantime, I _have_ broken the healer contract by quietly and quickly leaving the group (without thanking anyone) after:
    – the tank brags about how “lol-ez” DeathKnight tanking is, not realizing the huge amounts of damage that he took. Yes, THROUGH my shields and everything. WITH “Pain Suppression”
    – The tank dances with the ‘rogue boss’ in “Hour of Twilight” – like a mad dervish on speed.
    – DPS stand in the fire. Repeatedly.

    And again, the healer is not looting. The healer is farming cloth 😉

    As to the people requesting “Recount Pl0x”, I typically list “Damage Taken”.

    1. I like that subsection – totally forgot about the threat reduction side of things. Will get the lawyers to redraft the contract!

      I hate it when a tank thinks he’s awesome when he (or she) is taking huge amounts of damage & is only still standing because of the healer.

      Yes sorry- healer is farming cloth! You’re completely right of course 🙂

      I bet there are some who don’t notice it’s damage taken and are delighted to be at the top…..

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