Blizzard the Creator

I think we all agree that Blizzard has produced an absolutely awesome game in WoW. But it’s only occurred to me today that they are better Creators than the big man himself (or big woman, creative universe, evolutionary power, swimming turtle – whatever you believe in) himself since I think if Blizzard had created the human body they’d have done a better job.

Oooh bold statement from Bravetank – has she gone crazy? No I don’t think so (although I am talking about myself in the third person so it’s quite possible). I just can’t imagine the human body getting past the development stage in Blizzard. Although suddenly I’m getting a vision…a conversation that happened at the dawn of time…it went something like this….

The Dawn of Time

Young Developer: Creator, I have a great idea

Creator: Ok – but it better not be that panda thing again

YD:Ha ha no that was just a joke. No one would really take that seriously.

C: Ok what’s your idea.

YD:A thing called a human

C:Ooh sounds intriguing – how does it work

YD:Well it has two legs, walks upright, two arms, can hold things at the same time as walking. That’s the main thing about this creation.

C: Holding things while walking?

YD (Proudly): Yep

C: Does it have a brain? Can it also think while it does so?

YD: Sort of. The male version will struggle.

C:Why is that?

YD: Well to help it reproduce we’ve had to create both male and female versions and take a bit of the material used for the brain in the woman to make the reproductive tool in the man. It’s a bit of a drawback. A later patch will resolve it.

C: Ok we can live with that. Tell me more.

YD: It will be able to eat the food of the land for energy.

C: Excellent – no daily manna from heaven needed. No waste as well. I like that.

YD: Umm-there will be a bit of waste.

C: What do you mean?

YD: Well when it eats it will take what nutrients it needs from the food but will then have to dispel the remainder.

C: Dispel? How do you mean.

YD: From the body.

C: From the body! How do you intend doing that?

YD: I was going to make a hole somewhere. Doesn’t matter where. It’ll come out from the hole.

C: Sounds untidy. Will it mess up my beautiful land.

YD: Well I was thinking they could build repositories for the waste.

C: Repositories?

YD: Yes, I don’t know- something to capture it and take it away. Into the sea is probably best – you went a bit mad with all that water.

C: Yes I did get get a bit carried away. Hmm….but this means wherever they go they will need things built in which to deposit their waste. Sounds like a faff to me. I’m not convinced. Tell me more – what about the reproduction side?

YD: Well the man will fertilise an egg in the woman and the woman will give birth to a child

C: How does she give birth?

YD: You know it’s funny but I hadn’t thought of that. I know- I’ll make another hole

C: Another one? Are you making a human or a sieve?

YD: Haha – no it will be ok. It won’t be too big.

C: But big enough for another human to pass through I take it?

YD: Weeeelllllllll….it might need to stretch a bit. I’ll put a bit of elastic in there. It’ll be ok. I’m sure.

C: What about talking? Do they do that?

YD: Yes – there will be a voice box. It’s the newest thing to come out of the labs.

C: Yes I saw the flier. But don’t voice boxes need an outlet? I seem to recall reading that.

YD: Umm yes…so I was thinking….

C: Let me guess – another hole?

YD (smiling broadly): Exactly!

C: I’m sorry. I don’t think this is going to work. Could later patches improve the design?

YD (uncertainly): Possibly. But there can’t be too many patches.

C: Why not?

YD: Well the product will only work for a certain amount of years. Probably 80 or so, if treated very carefully so as not to catch any bugs.

C: 80 years! What’s the point in that?

YD: Well Creator – this is where this comes in.

C: What’s that?

YD: A game – called World of Warcraft – these humans will buy it in their millions.

C (Interested): Buy it you say. For money?

YD: Lots of money. In fact they will pay regularly for it – each month. You know what that means?

C: I can get my yacht?

YD: Exactly

C: Ok let’s go for it. But don’t invest too much in the humans. I just want them working well enough to buy the game. Anything else will be a waste. Put your best developers on World of Warcraft, the second best on Diablo and stick the rest on this.

YD: You’ve got it Sir.

Well it seems I channelled something there – a divine revelation into the meaning and purpose of human life. Now it all makes sense. We’ll never be as good as Diablo or WoW because we were only made to buy them. That’s the sole reason for our existence. And to top it all we’re full of holes too. No wonder we get depressed!

• World of Warcraft