The Bravetank Bugle Special edition
(with no fancy layout sorry- I value my sanity!)
Today the Bugle exposes the horror stories lying behind the WoW professions.
This is what they don’t tell you…
A goretusk today spoke of his anguish after being voted, “Animal most useful for levelling cooking up to 130.” Gary the Goretusk bravely held back the tears as he spoke about the proliferation of WoW cooking levelling guides on the internet and how many of them advocate the cooking of boar ribs (using the Dry Pork Ribs recipe) to get to 130. “These people don’t realise the impact they’re having on my life. I’m scared to go out. And every night I dream some player is extracting my ribs. I have to count them in the morning to make sure they’re still there and that’s not easy as there’s a fair bit of meat on me. On second thoughts no there’s not. Don’t publish that will you. No meat to be found here. Move along.” Asked what he thought the solution was Gary’s answer was emphatic, “Giraffes. It has to be. Their long necks would means one giraffe would give you enough meat to level in steps of 20 surely. I’m convinced. In fact I’m working on my own power levelling guide right now called “1-525 in one hour- you’re having a giraffe!!”
Tailor talks tough
Thousands were left dead last night in Tanaris after a levelling tailor flatly refused to hand over any cloth to be used in first aid. A skirmish had broke out between Alliance and Horde hunters, rogues, warriors and mages. No healer could be found on the scene but Terry the Tailor was found looking on while guarding his stocks of cloth. As the casualties mounted so more and more pressure came upon Terry to release his stocks and help stop the bleeding. But Terry was adamant that tailors should not be expected to act in these situations. “I’m a tailor not a nurse,” he was heard to shout, and “Have you tried levelling tailoring. Have you seen what I’m expected to get. It’s hard man. Real hard. I’ve been stung by more spiders than you can shake a stick at. And don’t shake sticks at them anyway,” he warned, “They really don’t like it.” When accused of saving cloth for a flying carpet he refused to comment but was seen kicking a piece of Golden Draenite under a rock. Luckily for the injured an alchemist soon wandered by looking for herbs and generously made up a minor health potion for the crowds to share. One sip each meant that while their bleeding continued everyone’s acne was sorted out. Happy days.
Enchanting weight scare
“Enchanting made me put on weight,” says Betty the formerly svelte Blood Elf. “It started when I was about level 20 I think. I was busy disenchanting some stuff I’d got in a dungeon when I felt my robes seemed tight. I shrugged it off and thought no more about it. Then the next day I was enchanting a shield for a gentleman friend of mine (he likes what I do with my tongue – enchanting-wise I mean) when I caught a glimpse of my face in the reflection of the shield and I swear I saw a double chin. It then went on from there. Every time I disenchanted something I put on a pound and if I enchanted something I put on two pounds (unless it was a mace – in which case I’d squawk like a chicken for four hours). All odd really but it’s led to me ballooning in size. I think everyone needs to know about the dangers of enchanting.” Enchanting trainers dispute Betty’s claims of course, pointing to the exercise that disenchanting and enchanting can provide (“it’s a full facial workout”) and the fact that Betty put on the weight over the Winterveil period. Betty has refused to comment although this journalist did find a cookie crumb down the side of her sofa. Make of that what you will.
Don’t trust your doctor
Today it emerged that most Azeroth doctors are only jouneyman skinners. After an anonymous whisteblowing allegation 100 doctors today were investigated to discover that in 80% of cases the only qualification was Master of Anatomy. The Azeroth General Medical Association today disputed it was an issue. “You can’t get a better knowledge of human anatomy and medicine than killing and skinning animals although admittedly it’s less confusing if they only have two legs. But our knowledge of the brain would not be where it is today if it wasn’t for skinning crocodiles. I kid you not. They are smart creatures. They smile at you and stuff. Even though they really want to eat you. That’s clever that.” However, not all were convinced. “I’m horrified,” said one concerned patient, “But it explains so much. Everytime I go in with a headache the doctor flays my back, and once when I had a stomach bug he chopped off one of my toes and made a leather thumb warmer out of it. Look I’m wearing it now. Really does keep my thumb warm mind.”
Profession news in brief
“Mining makes me horny,” confesses Lady Jaina.
Radical experiment goes wrong. The volunteers told that drinking any red liquid would be as effective as a health potion were all buried today. “At least they died with a nice berry taste in their mouth,” said one relative.
Inscription could cause repetitive strain injury – the government warned today. “Hold your quill in your mouth,” advises one giggling doctor.
Blacksmithing is ideal first date claims dwarf.
Low IQ best for engineering – most random group member are ideal says trainer