The Run of the Mill Slightly Dubious Guys Part 1

The Run of the Mill Slightly Dubious Guys
(a homage to The Usual Suspects – Azeroth style)

Part 1
by Bravetank


The water of Stormwind Harbour hits the surrounding wall – making a dull hypnotic sound. The jetty creaks. There is a flap of wings in the distance.

A single match lights the darkness and illuminates the face of MALFURION STORMRAGE. His green hair is wet and his ears lie flat. One eyebrow curls rather becomingly. Blood from a large cut runs down his face and through his little green beard. The red and green looks almost festive.

He is slumped on the deck of a boat, leaning against an upright post for support. His purple legs look odd – and purple – don’t forget the fact they are purple (that might be important later on). They are twisted in strange angles. He tries not to look at them.

There is liquid on the ground by his feet. He throws down the match and it ignites. The flame follows the course of the liquid, down the deck, towards the end of the ship where there are oil drums. Liquid pours out from one of them. The flame almost reaches the barrels. Malfurion watches and smiles.

Suddenly there is more liquid – it extinguishes the flame. Two feet appear. Not purple. This is unimportant. The liquid is urine (do you know some people drink it and claim it is detoxifying – just saying). The man walks over to Malfurion.

The man lights a cigarette. Malfurion stares up at him. Frustration shows on his face.

How are you, Stormrage?

My spine is broken, Daval and I have a nasty cut on my face. Look!
(he points)
It really stings.

The man amazingly pulls out a two handed mace from one of his pockets. Tardis like his pockets are bigger on the inside than the outside. Or the mace is collapsible. You can buy them now.


Steady, Go?

(trying to introduce humour into the situation – the last line of defence when you have a broken back.)

The mace comes down with a thud. Then again. Then again. It’s a low level item so it takes awhile. Eventually Malfurion’s health bar empties and his body falls to the deck.



Dun Morogh – a month ago. An elekk loaded
with linen cloth got hijacked
outside of Ironforge. The driver didn’t see
anybody, but somebody messed up. He heard
a voice. A gnome voice. Annoying and squeaky.
Sometimes, that’s all you need.


A door opens into a dark room. We see men with weapons. They are Stormwind Guards.
They shine their torches into the corner of a room. We see a troll lying there naked. He wakes and is blinded by the light. He starts to laugh. He is SEN’JIN.

Mr. Sen’Jin.

Speaking maan.

Stormwind Guards. We have a warrant for
your arrest. You’re coming downtown.

You’re just jealous of me maan. I got all this and personality too.



TAGAR SPINEBREAKER is grooming his wolf.  The wolf is looking pointedly at his claws. They need a trim and Tagar appears to have conveniently forgotten this.

The stable door opens to reveal five guards.

TAGAR (as if by rote)
May your blades never dull.

Tagar Spinebreaker

Tagar tries to reach for something on the shelf behind his wolf. In response all the men aim their swords at Tagar.

Stormwind Guards. You’re under arrest.

You’ve got the wrong person. Tell me who you are looking for and I’ll mark it         on your map.

They ignore him.



YORK STORMHEART, a tall dwarf (short ones are so passé), plumpish (some things never change) walks along the road, stopping occasionally to try to skin a creature that’s been left there and to curse those who do not loot.

He looks over his shoulder and notices a brown paladin horse trotting behind him. There
are four guards on the horse. One keeps falling off and giggling.

He starts to make a run for it. Other horses appear from every angle, there are even a few rams and one squirrel appears to have come along for laughs (and nuts probably). York is surrounded. He gives up and holds out his hands resignedly.


Two nightelves – a male and female – walk into the inn.

The man is MALFURION, tall, well dressed (for a night elf this of course means bare chested with rippling muscles), with long green hair. The woman with him is TYRANDE, attractive if you like your women very tall and very muscular (& if you do you might need to consider if the woman part is all that important- if not you can easily widen the choice available to you).

As they reach the top of a staircase they pause. She holds his arm.

Remember, this is a different kind of business.
You need to show them respect – don’t stare them out and don’t play with your eyebrows. It’s really annoying when you do that. But don’t be nervous either. Show confidence.

I feel like I’ve been feared.

He runs around randomly illustrating his point, only stopping when he bumps into a wall.

You’ve come so far. Don’t give up now.
You’re a night elf – and – praise Elune- you’re not a hunter.
It doesn’t get any better.

They go down the stairs and walk across the room to a table in the corner. Two gnomes are waiting for them. The first is Shoni the Shilent and the other is Ashli.
Both stand to greet Malfurion and Tyrande but this actually makes them look smaller since they were sitting on stools.

My you’re a tall one

Sorry we’re late.


Alrighty then

I’m sorry. This is Malfurion Stormrage.

Shoni’s hand is already out.


How do you do?

They shake hands.

Everyone sits down, smiling.

Tyrande brought us your proposal. We like it.


We find the idea excellent. Very interesting.
But you know Dun Morogh is difficult for new restaurants.
People see snow and want hot chocolate. They never think of food.
How can we be certain you can make a profit?

Malfurion smiles confidently.

It’s the flexibility my gnome friends.
Our restaurant will be painted yellow, green and red.
Imagine it! The patrons will think they’re in Stranglethorn.
They’ll start thinking of all those animals and they’ll be ravenous.
It will be ape head starters all round.

This I had to see for myself.

Malfrurion looks up. He sees Illidan Stormrage, his brother. Behind him are four other men- Stormwind guards.

Illidan. I’m in a meeting. This is Shoni and Ashli. Both- this is
my brother Illidan.

Special Agent Illidan now. Azeroth Customs.
(he points to men behind him)
These guards are from Stormwind.

Is there a problem, Illidan?

Oh just a little one. A hijacked elekk and missing linen cloth.
Levelling first aid are we Malfurion?

Shoni and Ashli start to look at Malfurion with suspicion.

Would you both excuse me? Please don’t get up. It’s too hard for
you to get back on the stool.

I need to ask you some questions Malfurion. Downtown.

Malfurion stands up and throws down a handful of gold coins. He looks at Tyrande. She looks away, disappointed.

Enjoy your meal- try the Darnassian Bleu.
(To Tyrande)
I’ll give you the horn later.

Illidan tries to take his arm, but Malfurion snatches it away and walks ahead.



A stormwind guard opens the door.

WE (THE VIEWER – THIS IS COMING TO A CINEMA NEAR YOU) FOLLOW A PAIR OF HOOVES as they limp across the floor. The cloth pants are shabby. The right hoof is turned slightly inward. There are four other pairs of feet behind him.


NEMURAAN, known as TWEETER to his friends because he says everything in 140 characters or less. Behind him are Malfurion, Sen’Jin, Tagar and York.

They all walk through the door.

I didn’t know why I was there.I mean I’m level 5 and these guys are hardcore raiders.But I liked it-I could pretend I was end game material.

The five stand in front of a white wall with horizontal lines marking their height. Malfurion looks down the line at the others.

When your number is called please take a
step forward and repeat the phrase you’ve
been told. Ok number one. Step forward.

Sen’Jin steps forward.

Give-me-the-elekk reins maaan, you-murloc-loving-ninja mother f….

Stop! That’s enough. Number two.

Tagar steps forward and mimics loading a gun with bullets and shooting it. But in his mime he keeps dropping his pretend bullets. He gets increasingly frustrated as he tries to gather them up. The others look away embarrassed. Eventually red faced he says the line.

Give-me-the-elekk reins, you-murloc-loving-ninja or I swear
I’ll spine break you to kingdom come.

He steps back and the rest continue.

It was a set up.LFD would never have put these guys
together.Horde and Alliance. It wouldn’t have happened.
But now there was no going back.

Part 2 to follow!!!!

All names from Blizzard World of Warcraft and all story from The Usual Suspects (writer Christopher McQuarrie & director Bryan Singer). Bravetank’s contribution- synergistic energy???


2 thoughts on “The Run of the Mill Slightly Dubious Guys Part 1

  1. Why do you have to tempt me like this?

    You may want to change Sen’jin’s name to Vol’jin, though, as Sen’jin is dead and in fact has been since before the Horde — as we know it today — was formed. Vol’jin, Sen’jin’s son, is the leader of the trolls. A small glitch, I am sure. 🙂

    I never cease to be amazed at your talent for writing entertaining stories. Even more amazed after I checked, and both of TWEETER’s utterings are exactly 140 characters long. Uncanny.

    Possible spoiler alert (phrased in a question): does that mean Draenei are the devil (hooves and horns, I can see that) and Twitter is the devil’s vessel of communication?

    1. Awww thank you. Yes I made sure they were 140 – will be interesting making sure they all are! Will do somerthing whizzy with the name 🙂 And yes I’ve always had my doubts about the Draenei & well Twitter…. remember 140 reduces to 5, there are 5 books of the Law, think of the the pentagram = 5, 5 elements, the Jackson 5 & Enid Blyton’s Famous Five. Need I say anymore. Thank you Wikpedia 🙂

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