The Case of the Bloody Five

I understand there is still talk of there being a WoW film. It’s probably already been written but not one to be deterred by real life in any sense of the word I have drafted my first screenplay. Now to find an agent…!

THE CASE OF THE BLOODY FIVE

By

Bravetank

FADE IN:

INT. UNDERCITY POLICE STATION NIGHT

SERGEANT PICKFORD and INSPECTOR JONES walk hurriedly down a well lit corridor.

INSPECTOR JONES
It’s messy sir. They’re all upset. Can’t get the priest to calm down. Keeps trying to smite himself.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
Where did you  pick them up?

INSPECTOR JONES
Wondering around Tirisfal Glades. All five were covered in blood. The tank was mumbling something about Interrogator Vishas being pulled too soon. Didn’t make any sense. We searched the monastery. The interrogator is dead. Again.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
Poor bastard.

The Sgt enters a door on the left. A warlock sits at a table, imp on lap.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
My name is Sgt Pickford. I need to ask you some questions.

WARLOCK
I’m tired. I’m life tapping.

The Warlock does something clever with hands and visibly weakens before the Sgt.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
Why are you life tapping now? What’s the point?

WARLOCK
I want to be ready. For when I see… never mind…forget it…

The warlock puts his head in his hands, slightly rumpling his unusual cloth helm.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
See who?

WARLOCK
(snarling)
Nothing. This isn’t your business. We would have been ok if that bloody priest hadn’t died. L2P healer I said, L2P.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
Why did the healer die?

WARLOCK
Why do you think? Too much bloody healing too soon. Never learnt threat management. Rookie mistake. Must have pulled the attention of the big guy. And then took ages running back. By then it was too late. We were dead.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
But what about the soulstone?

WARLOCK
(uneasily)
What do you mean?

SERGEANT PICKFORD
Why didn’t the healer use the soulstone you gave him?

The warlock shifts in his seat and looks around. The imp starts nervously playing with his fireballs.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
Answer me

WARLOCK
I… I… didn’t give him one.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
(stunned)
What?

WARLOCK
You heard me. I didn’t give him one.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
(angrily)
What is the point of being a warlock if you’re not going to give the healer a soulstone?

WARLOCK
But he didn’t ask for one.

Sgt Pickford takes a deep breath. Then a resigned expression comes across his face.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
(continuing)
He shouldn’t have to. You make me sick.

The Sgt gets up from his seat and turns to go but then stops and looks back.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
(continuing)
Just one more question. I’ve been told someone pulled too soon. Was it you?

WARLOCK
No! No! I never do that! I’ve been playing for years,

SERGEANT PICKFORD
I’m not talking to you – I’m talking to him.

The Sgt points at the imp. The imp shakes his head and smirks.

IMP
I wasn’t even out. Our friend here is affliction not destruction and that felhunter has long gone. You’ll never find out anything from him.

The Sgt looks disappointed, shakes head and leaves room.

He enters a second door on the left and sees a warrior sitting there, looking at his reflection in his shield.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
So you were the tank in this little PUG I understand

WARRIOR
Yes I was  the tank. And I’m a good tank. I’ve done that dungeon loads of times. It was all fine until … well I don’t know what happened. I had told them all you yank it you tank it. I had made nice with the priest – we all need a pocket healer. I went straight to the mobs on the left. It was all done as it should be.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
So what happened. In the wrong stance were you?

The warrior looks indignant.

WARRIOR
How dare you. I never use the wrong stance. Well. That one time maybe. But I realised then … I didn’t need the entire group yelling FFS and I told them so at the time.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
So what happened then?

WARRIOR
I don’t know. I used concussion blow and shockwave. I thunder clapped. I even turned the mobs around so I could see what the dps were doing. But was too late.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
You managed to do some looting though.

WARRIOR
What do you mean?

SERGEANT PICKFORD
You handed in this when you came in.

He holds out a cloth belt.

WARRIOR
Yes so what.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
You’re a warrior. You wear plate. Why do you have a cloth belt?

WARRIOR
I… I…

SERGEANT PICKFORD
Tell me straight. Did you need on it?

WARRIOR
No

But he starts to cry

SERGEANT PICKFORD
Tell me the truth goddammit. I’ve got a priest in the next room apparently in bits. Did you stop him having this? It has spirit on it for chrissake.

WARRIOR
Ok…ok…yes I needed on it.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
There’s a word for people like you.

WARRIOR
I know…I know…I’m a ninja. But you don’t understand.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
What is there to understand?

WARRIOR
My mother….my mother….she is quite demanding. She loves a bit of cloth. I needed it for her.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
So you went into a dungeon pretending to be a tank….

The warrior shifts uncertainly.

WARRIOR
What do you mean pretending?

SERGEANT PICKFORD
We’ve looked at your talents- we know you’re Fury. You misled them. You misled them all.

The warrior puts his head in his hands, defeated.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
No more questions.

The Sgt gets up and leaves the room. He enters a door opposite on the right. A mage is sitting at the table, then at the door, then the table.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
Stop blinking

MAGE
Sorry I only do it when I’m nervous. Do you want a biscuit?

SERGEANT PICKFORD
I don’t accept bribes Abracadabra. Now tell me what happened?

MAGE
Don’t know. I was standing right at the back. I have a good range and I know how to use it. The tank went to clear the left corner first. Next thing everyone’s getting hit. I kept my presence of mind and threw out five arcane blasts on the trot. Five I tell you. Do you know what that does to my mana? Then I died.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
What were you fighting.

MAGE
Same thing as the tank.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
How do you know?

MAGE
I always target the tank then press F. It’s foolproof.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
How long did you wait for the tank to get aggro? Were you excited magic man?

MAGE
2 seconds, 3 seconds. Something like that. It was enough goddamit. I know it was enough.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
Did you do a flame strike.

The mage looks uncomfortable.

MAGE
I’m arcane not fire.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
Don’t play dull. You still have flame strike.

MAGE
Ok…ok…I used one. A little one. But that was all. And the mob he was fighting was already half dead by then. And there was no one close by. It can’t have been that. It can’t.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
No more questions

The Sgt walks into the second room on the right. A Priest sits there – wailing and rending his cloth.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
Calm down please. I need to ask you some questions.

PRIEST
They all died. They all died. I need to repent but I’m a priest not a Paladin.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
How did they die?

PRIEST
I don’t know. I thought it was all under control. I was using all my heals

SERGEANT PICKFORD
Did you put power word: shield on the tank?

PRIEST
No…no…he’s a warrior. I didn’t want to stop him building rage. I’ve read all about it.

The Sgt sighs.

SERGEANT PICKFORD
You need to update your reading then. That hasn’t been the case for a couple of patches now. Haven’t you heard what Ghostcrawler said. He said “If a group is getting on to you for using PW:Shield as a Discipline priest (or jeez even a Holy priest), you have my permission to say “GC says you’re doing it wrong.”“

The Priest looks like he is going to argue, but then stops short. He begins to wail again.

PRIEST
I thought I was playing my class well

SERGEANT PICKFORD
Your type always does. That’s why they give you Penance. You’re going to need to do a lot of it. You practically sentenced that group to their deaths.

The Sgt walks out of room. The inspector is waiting for him

INSPECTOR JONES
So what do you think Sgt. Was it the priest’s fault?

SERGEANT PICKFORD
Not quite. There’s something else I can’t figure out. Some missing piece of the jigsaw. The priest should have used the shield but the mage gave the tank time and the affliction warlock’s not pulling anything with those bloody DOTS. No there’s something else.

The Sgt enters the final room at the end of the corridor. There is a hunter sitting behind the table, smiling vacantly. The Sgt turns on his heels and walks back out. Case closed.

FADE OUT:

THE END

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22 thoughts on “The Case of the Bloody Five

    1. Preliminary setup of voices (all me, of course):

      – narrator: my normal reading voice (duh!)
      – Pickford: as close as I can get to a Cumberbatch Sherlock Holmes
      – Jones: 1. old, grumpy, with a London street accent (cockney-esque?) (as close as I can get to anything like it) // 2. Glasgow Scotsman, age 30-ish
      – warlock: slightly depressed Undead (deep voice)
      – imp: as close as I can get to an imp voice
      – warrior: blood elf metrosexual, ’nuff said
      – mage: Italian American (think Danny de Vito, but butchered by me)
      – priest: just me, crying all the time

      Did I forget anyone?

      And in case anyone gets hyped about this: I am just some random guy doing terrible voices. Nothing to be excited about.

      1. Perfect! Particularly can’t wait to hear Pickford (who is already feeling like a real person to me!) How are you going to do those voices though! And too late – I’m already excited!!!!

      2. I am just going to read in my voice, altering it a bit from person to person. For you, it will probably all sound like the same guy. In my mind I sound like different persons, but it is my mind; irrealistic and illogical things appear normal to it and vice versa.
        The only one sounding different will probably be the imp, because I’ll have to use a very high-pitch voice for him. Probably won’t sound anything like the actual imp, though, in all fairness.

        I’m just having fun with this. And since my brother just came home, I’ll have to postpone the recording. He doesn’t know I’m THAT nuts.

  1. It’ll definately be a short. Looks promising, but I doubt Sam Raimi is firing the rest of his writing staff over this.

    Then again… the next time the phone rings:

    INT. BRAVETANK’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM

    Bravetank playing WoW. She’s is running around in Stormwind, blissfully unaware

    KITCHEN

    The phone rings

    LIVING ROOM

    BRAVETANK
    Honey, can you get that?

    The phone rings again in the background

    The Husband mumbles

    THE HUSBAND
    in the middle of a dungeon run

    The phone rings again in the background

    BRAVETANK
    Nevermind then, I’ll get it

    Bravetank gets up, leaves the desk.

    The phone rings yet again in the background

    Bravetank returns shortly to look at the screen, check something and leaves again.

    KITCHEN

    The phone rings again

    BRAVETANK
    Yes, yes, I’m coming

    Bravetank picks up the phone

    BRAVETANK (in Hyacinth BOUQUET-style)
    Bravetank and The Husband Resident, lady of the house speak-ING?

    Bravetank snickers

    UNKNOWN PERSON
    Is this the residence of the Bravetank? The one of WordPress fame?

    BRAVETANK (flustered)
    Why, … yeeees? How can I help you?

    Sam Raimi slides into the picture

    SAM RAIMI
    Yes well, you can actually… help me that is. You may have heard from me. My name is Sam Raimi.

    Bravetank faints dropping out of sight and dropping the phone

    SAM RAIMI
    Hello?

    1. Amazing! It’s like you were actually there! 🙂

      And it doesn’t have to be that short- imagine all the fancy & dramatic flashbacks that can be done to the dungeon scenes, then in the police station the slow close up right into the eye of the imp, at another point a quick cut away to the felhunter hitchhiking in Ghostlands. Could even be a musical interlude (why stick to one genre!)

      Is Sam on Twitter? 😉

  2. Hi
    So decided to check your blog after our little conv on the WoW forum about the heirlooms ^^

    This one is amazing 🙂

    Almost choked in my coffee when reading “The imp starts nervously playing with his fireballs.” Probably non intended and probably just my own somewhat perverted mind I gues but the image I saw when reading that was…erm…hilariously disturbing haha.

    I loved it….keep up the good work.
    I’ll definately check in some more soon.

    1. Thank you 🙂 Not sure that I’m good at any of it (particularly the rowing – I’m embarrassed at my rowing speed, but in my defence I do it over a long period!!) but I enjoying writing and very much appreciate the comment

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