Right now I‘m hardly playing WoW. My Ironman is not even twenty yet (but still alive!). Briefly played Seashell my mage over a week or so ago (nice to say hello to all my guildmates…they are lovely for letting me stay in the guild even though I’m hardly on anymore). I feel like I’m letting WoW down with my current absence from the game.
In fact I’m not playing any game at all at the moment. There is no play in my life. And I’m feeling it. I feel so blue tonight. All I do is write - I’m writing a choose your own adventure type book called Three Days & I just finished my The Guardian Spirit (just needs some editing). Most of my spare time is spent on those. And of course I’m in training for the London marathon so doing long runs every week.
I work full time & work is incredibly busy - I feel like I’m drowning there if I’m honest. I then come home & fret about work in my head. Then I try to switch my brain over to writing and my long term goals but at the same time feel exhausted! And then I go out & run.
There are so many things I’m not doing & while I know these are petty things, small indulgences, absolutely trivial matters in the greater scheme of things I still feel unhappy that I’m not currently:-
1. Going to the cinema or theatre (we did start doing that semi regularly & I loved it)
2. Cooking or going out for meals (I’m always on a diet of some sorts & always feeling guilty about what I’ve eaten)
3. Dyeing my hair (yes very very trivial- but it’s desperate!)
4. Buying new boots (my footwear is a shambles at the moment) & other clothes (everyone in work always looks better turned out than me)
5. Reading anything (I have a thousand and one books and samples yet I’m failing to actually finish reading anything)
6. Watching films I recorded at Xmas (watching any films actually – my attention span is that of a goldfish)
7. Really thinking about what I want to do around the house & doing it so I feel relaxed & happy in every room
8. Spending quality time with hubby
9. Going on walks with husband & our dog Stella
This is a weird post I know. Just a moaning boring grumble. I have to go up the gym in 30 mins for an hour workout & I just want to curl up on the sofa. I’ve had a long day in work where no one seemed to take responsibility for anything & where I continued to be unable to say no to anything. I have another long day tomorrow. I’m cold. I nearly fell in the snow this morning. I’m overwhelmed with everything I’m not doing properly. I’m stressed in case I never think of anything to write on here again. If I don’t play WoW what’s the point of me having a WoW blog? It was all so simple when I was Bravetank the actual tank. I’ve lost my way totally. Yet I love my blog. And in fact I’m back on this wordpress.com version because I can’t get used to the whizzy bravetank.co.uk/wordpress.org blog – I regret even trying to move there. I regret buying the domain name. I regret regret regret.
I wish I could sleep for 20 hours & wake up refreshed & new & ready to start my day over – no my life over. But what would I do? And I miss Eddie my dog. And Rosie my other dog. I miss them so much. We have lovely Stella with us now – a 3 year old cross Collie & Staff from the local dogs home. I love her to bits but when I close my eyes its Eddie’s face I see.
And I think I’m living my life wrong in some way but I have no idea what to do to change it.
Puzzled. And sad.