I have no idea what to do with my blog anymore. It sits here making me feel guilty. I’ve not played WoW for weeks. Have had the occasional tempting moment but it quickly passes. For a gaming fix I dip into Facebook’s Game of Thrones – a surprisingly good game that does not force me to (a)spend real money (b)annoy my Facebook friends by sending them a zillion annoying requests each day. So it does the job.
But it’s not a beautiful game – not like WoW. And it’s not a game that inspires me to write. So what about this blog? I was talking to my husband today about how blogging got me through a really tough time in my life. When I started Bravetank I’d just come through (actually we had both just come through) a rather difficult time. Actually that’s a lie – we hadn’t fully come through it, but we were getting there. Slowly. And the blog (and WoW) helped us both. For me personally it gave me something to write about – & in writing I discovered more about me. New stuff. Interesting stuff.
Then just as things were slowly getting better, something else happened, something else that was hard and painful to take. Again writing & WoW eventually proved to be my therapy (when I stopped crying long enough to go out and kill stuff- WoW stuff I mean – this isn’t Confessions of a Serial Killer!).
And now I’m in a different place again. A much better place in many ways, but still a sad place too. I think I have a melancholic disposition. Or I’m just a moody cow. Depends who you ask. But I do feel sad a lot and restless. And often nauseous too. I wish I could say it was pregnancy but I suspect I’ll never be that lucky. And that’s part of the overall sadness I guess.
And health wise things aren’t great. Is this what it’s like once you’re the other side of 40? Your body starts playing up. (Hopefully playing up just a bit – don’t fall apart completely body.) I have severe restless legs syndrome that is slowly driving me mad. I’m on Pramipexole which does work but its potential side effects terrify me. And when you tell people you have RLS they never really get it. They say “Oh I sometimes get that, isn’t it annoying?” But if you’re describing what you’re having as annoying it’s not the same as what I get. What I get is mind breaking soul destroying electrical surges that shake my body every night without fail (I have “restless” arms, back, torso as well as legs) & make me cry out with utter utter exhaustion and despair if I try to endure it without tablets. I have now been forbidden to try to reduce my dose by my husband. After all he is the one who has to pick up the pieces when I try to be strong & fail miserably. As he has throughout our married life of course – bless him.
I think it’s all related – mind, body, spirit. For years I did not treat my body well- too much alcohol & too much stress. And while I gave up alcohol two and half years ago the stress remains. And so maybe I’m paying the price? There are worse prices to pay I know. I’m currently sobbing my way through Hayley’s Panreatic cancer storyline on Coronation Street & I have too many family/friends who have been or who are affected by illness and disease. Yes- far worse prices that I hope I never have to pay. But still- I wish I could have a good night’s sleep. I’m tired.
I miss WoW & I miss what I had with this blog. I miss writing – The Guardian Spirit trilogy remains halfway finished (my mother is desperate to know how it turns out). But I’ve taken everything but the Azeroth book off Amazon as I’ve lost all my confidence and energy. My job itself is so busy that it takes everything out of me – well everything apart from stress and guilt about the past, daily OCD flare ups & nightly twitches, & anxieties and fears about the future.
This cannot be how life is meant to be. This cannot be how I am meant to be. But I can’t seem to find my way through this. I am trying to be mindful and I am trying to live in the present. But something is missing. I keep thinking that if I start to write – just a few words – then maybe the act of writing can do for me again what it did before. Save me from myself and lead me to myself. So that’s what I’m doing right now. I’m writing these words. It’s a start.