Bravetank’s Guide to…the Church of the Holy Light

It seems appropriate that during what is a religious holiday for some (for others a chance to eat so many eggs that physically  they  start to resemble one) to write about one of the religions in WoW. Some of you will have read my early scholarly post on the Cult of the Forgotten shadow – which can be found here if you missed it & think you might have joined the cult by mistake (hint: if you’re murdering people daily and cackling in your sleep there’s a good chance you have).  Today I want to write about the Church of the Holy Light. I think it’s very important for us visitors to  the world of Azeroth to understand the history, beliefs and practices of the religions we encounter – it is the only way to achieve the same true  tolerance and understanding we see around us in the real world.

The first thing to note is that the word Holy was a late addition to the Church’s identity. It was initially called the Church of the Light and this was because of its very strict weight restrictions. Basically you had to be able to play a tune (a hymn preferably although some light rock and roll was allowed) on your ribs before you could join.  However, as cooking skills improved and food became more plentiful so the light adherents became  -well -less light. Happily one day one of the bishops had a vision (while eating some chicken skin as it happens) which told him  they had been taking the word light too literally, that it was meant to mean a Holy (i.e. very special and sparkly) light and that meant it was ok to eat chocolate six times a day and finish off that chicken skin. There was much rejoicing.

The Church became known not just for its message of the  light  - the holy light I mean (go on- have a cake) but also hope. Members of the Church would frequently stand in village squares shouting things like,  ”Cheer up,  might be sunny tomorrow” (bizarrely preached most often in Stranglethorn Vale during the drought that killed thousands), or to individuals passing by, “Look on the bright side, your wife’s so pig ugly at least you ‘ll never have to worry about her having an affair.” Their words brought comfort to millions.

In essence the  philosophy of the Holy Light boils down to the  Three Virtues  — respect, tenacity and compassion.

Respect quite simply involves saluting anyone with an ilevel over 379. They are awesome, you are crap, so salute.

Tenacity can be shown by grinding rep with insignificant factions with annoying daily quests. This is why Seashell- still bombing eggs- is almost at sainthood level in regards to her tenacity (although this is undermined by the murderous rage she now feels every time she sees someone from the Shatari Skyguard).

Compassion involves undercutting others on the auction house to enable new players to buy stuff cheaply and to annoy the sellers who price too high (I mean teach them an important lesson about greed). It also helps shift large amounts of crap quickly which is no bad thing.

One of the earliest leaders of the church was  Archbishop Alonsus Faol. It is important to know however that  his last name was not actually Faol but  Fool-  Alonsus the Fool. This was because he could not work out how to play Tic Tac Toe and was continually beaten  by his apprentice Uther. Eventually even Uther tired of trying to teach him how to draw a cross (he insisted on drawing spirals instead and calling them Mother) and instead formed a new order, the Knights of the Silver Hand (originally Silver and Gold – they were going to sell jewellery as a sideline ).

It was these Knights that led to success in the Third War. In fact the Third War was a good war for the Church (as opposed to the Second which was a tad boring  and the First which was a frightful nuisance). But after the war division hit the church – there were those who thought it was time for a total revamp (curtains, carpets & an accent wall was suggested) & others who felt that there was wisdom to be found in the words of squirrels.

Guidance was looked for in the texts but most of these were lost or too ridiculous for words (they suggested things like morality and  good behaviour – the knights used to read them out in funny voices to each other to make each other laugh). Eventually each group decided to write their own. They  used these texts as a way to  dismiss the beliefs of the others. We see this  in several harsh statements that are found in these texts such as, “Red curtains hide a jealous  mind and probably an unwashed floor if I’m not mistaken” and “If a squirrel shows you his nuts do not /love him as this sends him entirely the wrong message.” Of course Azerothians today take these verses literally with many spitting on houses with so much as a hint of pink in the curtain (god help those whose colours run in the wash) and others ostracised if seen out drinking with a squirrel (as so many are wont to do).

The one thing that united – and still unites – the Church however were two key beliefs – that the Scourge are  evil and that certain stains can  only be removed with a scouring cloth. Because of this it is  customary on one day of the year for different factions of the Church to greet each other by doing a robust scouring action in the air (try it- good for the shoulder as well as the spirit) to indicate that beyond the divisions they are all still fighting the same thing- grease, grime and the undead (and if they can kill a greasy, grimy undead at the same time they earn maximum holy kudos points)

So that’s it – a brief guide to the Church of the Holy Light. They’re always looking for newcomers of course. If you’re interested pop along to your local store, buy a scouring pad  and a “I hate the Scourge” t-shirt and you’re away to go. You’ll need to choose between soft furnishings and squirrels of course – but to me there’s no choice – there’s not much about the world a squirrel doesn’t know and don’t let the racoons tell you any different.

Bravetank’s Guide to…the Cult of the Forgotten Shadow

So many people are confused by the Cult of the Forgotten Shadow that I thought it would be useful to have a mini guide. The first thing that confuses people is how there can be a cult of a shadow that is actually forgotten. But this is simply a classic religious paradox – the sort that Augustine and Aquinas wrestled with in their day (while still putting out impressive DPS it should be noted). Actually at least one part of the name comes from a passive aggressive attack on the Church of the Holy Light. The cult wanted a word that was the opposite of Light and opted for “Shadow” because Aelthalyste (their banshee cult leader) forbade the use of the word “Dark” (it was a bitter reminder of her favourite treat when pre-menstrual-  dark chocolate – which she now refused to eat because Illius, one of the other leaders, once implied it was making her put on weight (his actual words to her were, “Do you want me to buy you another bar or have you had enough? – but she knew exactly what he meant).

Before we talk about the religion in more detail it’s worth pointing out that we  are talking here about the religion of the Forsaken- a faction of the Undead. This is a group of people who find it socially acceptable (indeed it is praised in their best-selling etiquette guide entitled “Don’t Forsake your Manners”) the act of falling to their hands and knees to chew up the remains of the dead without the use of a napkin. So it’s not going to be pretty.

This is a religion that was formed out of anger. Previously priests of the cult had been adherents of the Holy Light. They had believed that dead was dead – at least as far as the body was concerned – and only the soul lived on. To look in the mirror and see a shambling mass of muscle and sinew was to at first get excited and squeal “oooh look Madonna” and then to realise with a bitter blow that it was in fact yourself without even the compensation of her millions. Depression and anger soon followed.

There are three central tenets in the cult – Respect, Tenacity and Power  -  RTP – easily remembered by the saying Roll The Penguin- a past-time many Forsaken enjoy on a Bank Holiday (but against which the Penguin Society “We get Dizzy when we Roll” was formed).

“Respect” in Forsaken terms does not mean what one would normally think of as respect – honour to one’s parents (even when they’re talking loudly through your favourite programme),  humility before those of greater power (being nice to the boss even though he is so dense he thinks standard deviation is what you do when taking a longer route to avoid roadworks). No “respect” in cult terms is merely a greeting – one that shows the other to be a cult member (although the robes and badges are normally a dead giveaway). Any member of the Cult of the Forgotten Shadow must greet each other by saying “Respect” preferably with a “yo” prefacing it and nearly always ending with a cult member debate about which is the funniest – Ali G, Borat or Bruno and with at least one person informing the group that Sacha Baron Cohen “is married to Isla Fisher did you know” – a tedious statement that all greet with rolling eyes.

“Tenacity” again has a somewhat different meaning in the cult – it is a reference to Tenacious D which sums up everything that is abhorrent and vacuous in the world. By remembering this tenet cult members are prevented from bemoaning their fate and instead rejoice that they are no longer compelled to watch Jack Black repeatedly live out his delusions of being a rock star.

“Power” is the final tenet – this is quite simply a reference to The Power of Love – a moving Frankie Goes to Hollywood song that – despite their anger, hated and bitterness, still brings a tear to every Forsaken eye when they hold hands and sway and sing along to it (every Tuesday morning before torturing captive dwarves). Most are convinced Holly Johnson is simply a rather well fed member of the Undead.

The cult believes in Divine Humanism- i.e. that they themselves shape the universe. However, it is important to note that by universe they mean “The Universe” – a Forsaken comic book that they all work on every day. Indeed you will not find a member of the cult without a coloured pencil in his or her hand. They are incredible artists given the fact their fingers are hanging on by a mere thread.

There are Shadow Ascendants and Lightslayers in the cult. Shadow Ascendants are those that have mastered the art of casting their own shadow on a wall and then running up it – Donald O’Connor style. Lightslayers are simply those who have the responsibility of turning the lights out at bed time – an important role given the current price of electricity.

The goal of the cult is to conquer and transcend death . Or learn how to make the perfect hot chocolate. With marshmallows. It varies depending on the mood they are in.

The best way to join the cult is to first look undead (i.e. follow faithfully Madonna’s workout and diet plan), second publically destroy a copy of any Jack Black film (interestingly for Boy Scouts this is also the way to earn the highest public service award) and then thirdly perform the extended version of Frankie’s Relax complete with any actions you deem appropriate to illustrate the lyrics. Finally go along and and reassure Aelthalyste she could never be fat and that you like your banshees loud and cuddly. You’ll be promoted to priest before you know it.