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Addons-What next?

07 Oct

I’ve heard on the grapevine that new versions of the current top five add-ons are to be released. These uber add-ons will take the game to a whole new level by recognising the reality of how we, the player, want to enjoy the game and what we need to help us do this. I’ve tried these out in Beta and can indeed confirm they truly will enhance our gaming experience across the board,

So without further ado here’s a sneak preview of the 5 revamped add-ons that you’ll want to be downloading as soon as they’re released:-

Recount Deluxe – Sticks and Stones

This version of the best damage meter out there will not only tell you what physical and spell damage you’ve dished out but will also monitor the emotional damage you’ve unleashed on those in your group (and enemy mobs too – but for more on that see DBS below). Yes you’ve heard it right. You can let rip with your cruellest vitriol in party chat directed at whichever member of the group you’ve taken an instant dislike to and actually see your DPS numbers rise! There will even be a breakdown of where your attack landed and what damage it caused i.e. physical rebukes (e.g. “I bet you’re a chubby git who never goes out”) will hit directly at self esteem; attacks on play style will knock confidence into a cocked hat & suggestions that the player is of uncertain parentage will destroy familial trust and lead to a rather accusatory phone call later with their mother. So get Recount Deluxe – the Sticks and Stones version, monitor the results of your uncalled for and heartless abuse and rejoice at the fragility of the human soul.

Deadly Boss Mods- Let’s get Down and Dirty

DBS is already the add-on of choice for all those pesky bosses and their crafty fight mechanics, but this enhanced version will offer even more. It will give you a whole new set of information about the boss you are to fight – helping you design a highly tailored attack strategy that will get right to their weakest spots. So instead of just being informed about their key abilities and told when a critical phase is about to start, you will also know about their childhood hopes and dreams; the recurring fears that trouble then at 3am and cause them to go downstairs (or into another cave or cesspit or whatever) for a comforting biccie and a glass of warm milk. Indeed you’ll even know their secret crushes (interestingly 99% of them fantasise about the innkeeper in Stormwind’s The Guilded Rose – they all love her nurturing maternal approach – as one rather poetically said (I think it was Feng the Accursed), “She seems to really care when you hearthstone in – it’s all in the eyes – I’d really like to give her one -hard”). This knowledge will enable very targeted abuse using the /say command in chat and will have a devastating effect on even the toughest of bosses. Against the Sha of Doubt for example you might want to try, “Knowledge can be advanced through science” or “I am a child of the Enlightenment, there is no room for doubt”. This will confirm his worst fears that he is the only one in this day and age racked with doubt and confusion – in turn this will lead him to remember that time in maths class when he just could not get fractions and the rest of the class laughed. His whole tough facade will crumble. If that fails of course you can always go for the old classic, “Your mother is a whore.” He will be a broken man …I mean darkness. Against Yan-Zhu the Uncasked try, “No thanks, I am a teetotal” (this will remind him of all his broken New Years Day resolutions to only drink on a Saturday or on special occasions), or “I’m wheat intolerant – are you gluten free?” (he will fear he cannot keep up with current diet trends), or try the old classic, “That extra weight looks good on you.” The result will be bosses downed in half the time with half the effort. Indeed for most of the fight they will be curled up in a foetal position in the corner of the room, weeping uncontrollably. This means even a feral cat druid will be able to get some decent dps using this addon. A thousand MoP druids cheer.

Atlas Loot – The Truth

How could Atlas Loot be improved you ask? After all it is the goto source of knowledge for all in-game loot (very poor on non-game loot of course – you might still want to check out Amazon for that). There are gear stats galore – you really can’t go wrong with it. And of course even if it’s not upgrades you are looking for it can help you plan your transmogrifications by telling you where the outfit of choice will drop. And therein lies the problem. Atlas Loot (and indeed transmog tools such as Mog It) do not have within them that absolutely modern day essential – the cynical, jaded and rather cruel fashion critic. And that means there is no one to give you an honest objective assessment of how the gear will look on you (not the same as you viewing it in the preview mirror since you have no taste- remember that). This in-game fashion critic has been seriously lacking. I mean from personal experience with my human paladins thighs I should never have considered the black mageweave set but I thought I looked good. How deluded was I (although that gnome in Ironforge seemed rather taken with the outfit judging from his somewhat enthusiastic emotes). Well Atlas Loot -The Truth makes all that a problem of the past. Now when you hover over a piece of gear to read its stats, and even when you preview it on your character, an honest & frank assessment of its suitability for you will pop up in large writing in the centre of the the screen. You will read advice such as, “What are you thinking, you’re an orc, you can’t wear silk, the guys will laugh their asses off”, and “Those legs make you look dumpy and you’re a friggin night elf”, and even, on a more positive note, “Yes good idea mate, that helm completely covers your face, the whole of Azeroth rejoices”. Harsh – yes; not for the fainthearted – for sure; but this is the truth like you’ve never heard it before and it will change your life. After all it is only appearances that matter. Beauty is only skin deep and that’s deep enough for all of us in this day and age. So no more fashion faux pas. No more gear upgrade/transmog mistakes. And so what if you lose all your skill points when it turns out the only thing that looks good on you is the starting gear from Northshire Abbey. What you learn in criticism and cruelty will make your emotional dps (see above) fly off the meter anyway. This is a holistic pack of add-ons. It’s all good.

_NPC scan – Let me Help

Don’t you find it frustrating when NPC scan tells you something wonderful and rare is nearby but you still can’t find it (because like me you’re rather clueless…what…no… come on… there must be others like me right?). Well worry no more. This enhanced NPC Scan will not only alert you to the presence of any rare NPCs nearby but will also automatically start attacking the creature on your behalf. In fact even before that it will check your shields and buffs are up, dump any vendor trash taking up space in your bag, ring your mother to tell her you’ll be busy for the next three minutes and then once the mob is dead will automatically loot it and skin it (great if appropriate – messy if not), post a celebratory note in guild chat on your behalf, and then re-ring your mother and patiently listen to her complain about her bunions for a good hour. All this without you having to lift a finger or actually, you know, look around and stuff. And that’s how it should be right?

Bartender 4 – You Want to do What?

Finally Bartender 4 – but a new deluxe version that does far more than just enable you to customise your boring old action bars. It takes the TENDER bit – as in someone who takes care of something- far more seriously than any previous release. And this means that whenever you try to move or customise an action bar if the programme does not agree with what you are doing (and it seldom does – it has very high standards) it will gently tut a few times, then rather pleasantly say, “Are you really sure about this?”. Then if you still insist on trying to move the bar a hand will emerge from your monitor and slap you hard across the face, bringing you sharply to your senses. You will quickly learn – you do not mess with the Bartender. So no more fiddling obsessively with your UI (as opposed to actually playing the game) to make minor changes that you will then undo the next day. Bartender will decide once and for all what works for you and, with proven Pavlovian conditioning techniques, it will ensure you stick with it. Remember it knows best – action bars are its life and novice tinkerers like you annoy the hell out of it. Take issue with Bartender at your peril.

And so there you have it- the 5 new add-ons that are soon to be unleashed and that will enhance your gaming pleasure. I think you’ll all agree that these are ones no serious player of WoW will ever want to be without – and less serious players of WoW are otherwise engaged with pet battles and farming anyway :)

 
7 Comments

Posted by on October 7, 2012 in World of Warcraft

 

Tags: , , , ,

7 responses to “Addons-What next?

  1. Gorbag

    October 7, 2012 at 5:39 pm

    Fantastic :) I’m looking forward to the version of bartender that mixes me drinks and listens to me complain about work (as long as I tip well).

     
    • Bravetank

      October 7, 2012 at 7:28 pm

      Yes can’t believe they’ve not released that version yet!

       
  2. anexxia

    October 7, 2012 at 6:58 pm

    I think we need a snarkometer, with guild chat output for hitting critical levels of snark… ;p

     
    • Bravetank

      October 7, 2012 at 7:28 pm

      Now that would be good!

       
  3. Zinn

    October 15, 2012 at 9:58 am

    Haha this post was hilarious, thanks for making me a good monday!

     
    • Bravetank

      October 17, 2012 at 6:52 pm

      I’m really glad you liked it …I thought I was going to get in trouble with people who may have clicked on it thinking they were real!!

       

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