I Hate Bombing

Some of you who have stumbled on this site looking for an important and perhaps even thought provoking anti-war tirade are going to be disappointed by the frivolity of this post. Or a little angry. Or maybe so genuinely puzzled and bemused you end up stumbling to the fridge looking for some solace and sanity in  a Kit Kat. Unless of course you are my until now undiscovered soul mate who knows exactly what bombing I’m referring to without me having to spell it out because it’s so obvious, because you’ve been there, felt it and endured it. In which case I hope your therapist laughed less than mine when you told him/her about it. I’m referring of course to the bombing of Skettis – that awful daily that I’m currently putting myself through daily (clue is in the name I know) to get a flying jellyfish – or nether ray – whatever the hell they’re called.

What a dreadful dreadful quest. It’s hell. Sheer hell. Shall I list what’s wrong with it? Please can I? The therapist is insisting on charging me double if I continue to waste her time with this crap. Ok…

1. The big birds that attack you just when you’re about to bomb their eggs. I mean how unreasonable is that. I am just trying to destroy their young, their precious next generation, and they have the gall to get all tetchy about it and come swooping down on me, hamstringing me and my mount and making me fall to the ground- dying in the undignified way of one too panicky to click slowfall properly.

2.Trees – there are trees and leaves everywhere. They get in the way and make me feel all smothered and claustrophobic when I fly around. Also they make it more difficult to find those eggs. It’s making me a total supporter of deforestation. You wouldn’t get this hassle if it was a concrete jungle filled with high rise flats with the eggs neatly lined up on top. Blizzard and nature take note – we need more concrete.

3.That annoying guy who daily needs to be released from the prison in one of the trees. He never moves once I release him. He says something like “Let’s get out here” but then stands there, like he’s expecting me to carry him or something. I end up running off a bit and then stopping and looking back at him encouragingly (yes my WoW character has all sorts of facial expressions – hasn’t yours – how odd). Eventually he comes – sauntering along like one not that keen on escaping a prison in which he was kept relatively well fed and watered. Actually now I think about it that’s probably why he ends up back there each day- after we get to the foot of the stairs and he says “Great thanks!” he probably waits until I’m not looking and runs back up to lock himself in. Total time waster.

4. For this daily hell I get the pleasure of seeing my rep bar with the Shatari Skyguard creep up millimetre by millimetre. They are never that impressed with me unless I bring back a load of shadow dust as well- the thought of which makes my hands all itchy.

5. It’s nowhere near Ogrila – the other place I apparently need to go if I am to sufficiently win the Shatari over to my cause -enough anyway for them to be willing to sell me (sell me mind- not give me – they have to like me enough to let me spend my money with them – the world is mad) a nether ray. And they know I’ll do it. Because I’m that desperate to add another mount I’ll never use to my collection. This game is both a dream and nightmare for any “completionists” like me (i.e. neurotic, OCDish and obsessed).

Compare this daily with the lovely Wintersaber one. I get the little cub out each day. He either wants some meat or a toy. Aww bless. I fly a few feet away, one shot a couple of owlkins, yetis, bears or winterfall shamans (who killed me enough times when I was levelling for me to enjoy every single one I bring down) and then turn in the quest. He yawns in a very satisfied manner. I store away yet another whisker and we’re all happy. One day nearer to the mount. It’s clear, definable, enjoyable and most important of all really really EASY!

Yes I want these dailies to be easy. I don’t want to be attacked by birds or blinded by leaves. In  fact come on Arrakoa – just lay up all your eggs in a row just outside the camp and let me come along and blast them with arcane barrage. You’ll have less squawking mouths to feed (and bloody hell they grow up aggressive) & I’ll get my flying jellyfish. We’ll all be happy. And throw a bit of concrete down while you’re at it.

Guilty Pleasures

I felt guilty the other day about having too much fun playing WoW. Yes that’s right – I felt guilty about having fun. So much so that it triggered a solemn heart to heart with my husband. He loves it when I do that. He’s usually happily getting on with something and I turn up full of angst and all my neuroses.

I do of course know where this guilt complex comes from – although my mother will probably kill me for sharing if she ever finds out. It comes from when I was younger. I was regarded as a “high achiever”  as a child, basically from the moment I did something clever in front of the health visitor with some plastic letters  (spelled out something profound in Latin perhaps while all my friends were busy stuffing the letters up their noses). Don’t get too grand an idea though …once my mother was in an argument with my father—which I overheard from my position at the top of the stairs (not at all eavesdropping)– and said, “Everyone knows Shell is a scholar.” I wasn’t that much of a scholar though because it was the first time I’d heard that particular word and I thought she meant “scallop” – I slunk away deeply confused but with an odd craving for sea food.

Anyway I digress. Basically I was always praised for working hard and achieving good results and I became very obsessed about it. I genuinely do not know what I would have done if I hadn’t had a first class honours in my degree. It was all or nothing with me. Everything always is. I know this isn’t healthy but I also know this is me. It’s part of the package.

I still dream I’m preparing for exams and haven’t revised enough. I guess most of us do. But in my dreams there’s this dawning realisation that all that’s over now – that I’ve left school, that I’m working, that I don’t need to memorise all the ins and outs of the Treaty of Versailles anymore. And lately in those dreams I ask my mother permission to stop revising and amazingly she says yes and laughs as if it’s a silly question. And I am so relieved. But once I dreamt she was burying all my revision material in the back garden along with a dead body and I was furious that she was contaminating my stuff with a dead body. I immediately retrieved my books to bury them somewhere else. A very weird dream and almost physically exhausting what with all the digging.

Anyway growing up I found the way to please was to get all As. The way to displease was to come 2nd in class (particularly if L my greatest rival beat me) or get a B+ or just seem to my parents “not to have that drive anymore.” That was the worst sin of all. I had to be the best and be seen to always want to be the best. I couldn’t let that slip.  So I often felt guilty about watching TV or any form of relaxation because I was scared that it would suggest I was less than fully committed to my work. The results themselves weren’t enough – I had to show visibly that it was all consuming. Eventually it even got too much for my mother and step father. They would beg me to take a break from my studies – they would tell me a half hour off would be good for me. I even once remember by step father telling me I could probably afford to take the weekend off. I was aghast! That was unthinkable. By then it was too late – it was part of my core self to feel guilty every time I stopped working.

And if there was ever a moment when all my work had finished – exams over and all essays submitted, then the OCD would kick in. The more I tried to wind down the more my brain would tell me to get up and straighten the mat, dust the table 16 times, write out a list of all the reasons why I shouldn’t worry about whether a person looked at me funny the other day. It was always so exhausting. I remember one day telling my mother I wished I would break my leg or just get ill. When – horrified – she asked me why I said it was so I could lie on the sofa and sleep all day. She told me it sounded like I was very tired which I think, without sounding too harsh, was the understatement of the year.

Why am I talking about this now? Well it’s just that I’ve been really enjoying WoW lately but with that comes all the old guilt again. I work really hard at my job but cannot escape the guilt I feel at coming home and, after having some food, going on WoW to relax. The more I enjoy it – the guiltier I feel. I think I was happier having all the bad runs and aggro (literally and metaphorically). Perhaps that made it seem more like a job! The more I’ve enjoyed playing and gaining achievement, mounts, levelling, seeing new dungeons (I’ve discovered  I haven’t done half the Burning Crusade dungeons- went in Magister’s Terrace for the first time yesterday) then the more guilty I’ve become. And I don’t want to be. This is something both my husband & I enjoy, but I also have time for family, reading, exercise, my dog etc. And as I’ve said I work very hard (see I must convince you of that fact or that’ll be another three hours of stress) and I’m totally committed to my job. So why am I guilty about something that gives me pleasure? Would I feel the same if this was a more “conventional” hobby? I don’t know.  Certainly there is generally more acceptance about certain hobbies but since I never had hobbies when I was younger (it was all studying or reading) I suspect I’d feel the same. To play is in my head to be less than you should be, to fail to live up to expectations, to let yourself down. And there’s a part of me that still secretly applauds this attitude of mine even though I know the stress and anxiety it causes me. I wonder at the end of my life will I look back and be happy at all the studying and work I’ve done or will I wish for something else? I hope at least I’m holding my husband’s hand because in all this he’s the only one that has tried to teach me that life can be much so more than I once thought – that you can have fun without being a disappointment to all who matter. But good and patient teacher though he is I’m a difficult student – and in this case not a high achiever at all.

All the sixes clickety click

Oooh I’ve been tagged a couple of times in the 666 meme. Only problem is I lost most of my WoW images when I has to reinstall recently. Not that I had that many actually – always forget to snap the good things because I’m usually too busy doing my shoulder dance of celebration.

But I do have 7 images in my image folder- all very recent & so topical to this blog I guess. The 6th one is this:-

It was only taken last Thurs when I had just had the swift lovebird and then gone on to hit 60 and make and ride my flying carpet! A good evening. As you can see I’m telling Jacky in guild chat all about it & she is being very lovely and congratulating me! I was very happy

There are three other photos I want to upload though – non WoW related – but the 1st is the 6th photo in the most important of my folders – my Dog folder and the second two just because I can’t resist!

So photo 6

That’s Eddie on the left and Rosie the brown dog on the right – two of the most important things in my life. Rosie sadly passed away a few months ago. I think about her and miss her every day. She was 17 years old when she died and the cutest, friendliest and noisiest dog ever (she was once nearly thrown out of a dog show because of all her barking!).

Here she is in close up.

The most beautiful eyes ever. I love and miss her so much.

And here’s trouble – Eddie – our shadow and devoted companion. He has Peter & I wrapped well and truly around his paw.

I think you’ll agree he’s the strangest plant ever.

So forgive me for indulging in the dog photos – couldn’t resist when I saw how sparse my WoW image folder was.

And here are my 6 tagged bloggers – this could run & run!

Tome of the Ancient tomeoftheancient.wordpress.com

The Ready Check  thereadycheck.com

Manalicious manalicious.wordpress.com

Jinxed Thoughts jinxedthought.blogspot.com

I can do alts, me jayceandco.blogspot.com

Danslayers danslayers.wordpress.com

Defying Gravity

My excitement knows no bounds. Not only have I had my swift lovebird (see last post) but I’ve also now got the companion Peddlefeet and a flying carpet.  And what’s more – I’ve finally plucked up the courage to make and WEAR the black mageweave set.

I think husband slightly disapproves of the outfit. I told him that she has a cool yellow cloak and he said, “No one will be looking at her cloak.” He then said he hoped I hadn’t spent too much on the cloth since there didn’t actually seem to be alot of material in the outfit. His attitude isn’t helped by the fact some young man (I think- but who knows in this game) was so enamoured by my name the other day that he told me he loved me and offered to get me lots of cloth for my tailoring. Husband thinks I’m attracting the wrong types. I think anything that speeds up my tailoring is worth considering.

Anyway in regard to the outfit – is there such a thing as dressing inappropriately in the game? Can you show too much thigh and buttock? I wrote about this over on the F Word site in the “You’ll Catch Your Death in That” article. I’m still battling with some of the same issues now as then.But I like the outfit so I’ve taken the plunge. She’s embracing her right to wear what she wants to wear – no matter how chilly it gets or how her thighs chafe.

In other Seashell news- she is nearly topping the dps charts in most dungeons apart from the one I ran around equipped with a fishing rod…! It’s so nice to be effortlessly powerful as opposed to all my other characters who are strenuously weak. Also everytime I put focus magic on someone I feel great and magnanimous – you’d swear I’d just done a five hour stint in a soup kitchen. “There you go- have some extra critical hit from me. No don’t thank me please. Oh you weren’t going to. What a surprise.”

To be fair I’ve actually had some good groups of late. There have been a few new tanks (Seashell is 63 so running with the Death Knight crew). The ones I’ve met have been quick to confess their inexperience and courteous to all. How long before the brutality of the dungeon world beats that out of them? One even fairly won a need roll then offered it up to the other person who’d lost saying “You need it more than me.” Amazing. I’ve stayed with a couple of groups for 2 or 3 dungeons which for me is a sign of commitment on a par with getting engaged.

Had an addon fest this morning. When I had to reinstall the game a few weeks back I lost my add ons and I hadn’t got round to re-downloading them until today. Went for Auctioneer, Tidy Plates, Decursive, Mage Nuggets (which makes me whisper something like, “Thank you for Innervating me” – which sounds slightly obscene I think), something on Achievements (the Overachiever?) which is helping me /love all the critters I need to, and Atlas Loot which I adore. It has made me very focussed in dungeons – since I actually know what items might drop I can “enjoy” that lovely tense moment just after the boss dies and we wait to see what’s dropped. Husband has been a tad shocked at the vulgarity of my language when something stupid in plate inevitably appears.

Fishing and cooking continue – I’m on a quest for Enormous Barbed Gill trout so if anyone knows the best spot for them let me know. Wowhead has sent me to all sorts of places but so far I’ve only caught one (and been killed several times – can’t believe fishing is so dangerous – I’m clearly doing it wrong). I’m getting all excited at what I’m hearing about Dalaran cooking and fishing dailies – is it really the promised land? I want to make Delicious Chocolate Cake. I can’t believe I’ve reached the dizzy heights of the 350s in all my professions (Archaeology doesn’t count of course  – it’s still on something like minus 7 ).

So it’s been a good couple of WoW days. I seem to be making real progress, actually enjoying the dungeons and meeting some really nice people who have been a pleasure to run with. Now who’d have ever thought I’d say something like that!!

Swift Lovebird Joy

Don’t normally do this but just had to post a quick one to celebrate – I just had the Swift Lovebird!!!     So pleased – it’s so cute and pink and stuff. I’m not one for screenshots but couldn’t resist this one! I’ve delivered a lot of bracelets for this!!!

Blizzard the Creator

I think we all agree that Blizzard has produced an absolutely awesome game in WoW. But it’s only occurred to me today that they are better Creators than the big man himself (or big woman, creative universe, evolutionary power, swimming turtle – whatever you believe in) himself since I think if Blizzard had created the human body they’d have done a better job.

Oooh bold statement from Bravetank – has she gone crazy? No I don’t think so (although I am talking about myself in the third person so it’s quite possible). I just can’t imagine the human body getting past the development stage in Blizzard. Although suddenly I’m getting a vision…a conversation that happened at the dawn of time…it went something like this….

The Dawn of Time

Young Developer: Creator, I have a great idea

Creator: Ok – but it better not be that panda thing again

YD:Ha ha no that was just a joke. No one would really take that seriously.

C: Ok what’s your idea.

YD:A thing called a human

C:Ooh sounds intriguing – how does it work

YD:Well it has two legs, walks upright, two arms, can hold things at the same time as walking. That’s the main thing about this creation.

C: Holding things while walking?

YD (Proudly): Yep

C: Does it have a brain? Can it also think while it does so?

YD: Sort of. The male version will struggle.

C:Why is that?

YD: Well to help it reproduce we’ve had to create both male and female versions and take a bit of the material used for the brain in the woman to make the reproductive tool in the man. It’s a bit of a drawback. A later patch will resolve it.

C: Ok we can live with that. Tell me more.

YD: It will be able to eat the food of the land for energy.

C: Excellent – no daily manna from heaven needed. No waste as well. I like that.

YD: Umm-there will be a bit of waste.

C: What do you mean?

YD: Well when it eats it will take what nutrients it needs from the food but will then have to dispel the remainder.

C: Dispel? How do you mean.

YD: From the body.

C: From the body! How do you intend doing that?

YD: I was going to make a hole somewhere. Doesn’t matter where. It’ll come out from the hole.

C: Sounds untidy. Will it mess up my beautiful land.

YD: Well I was thinking they could build repositories for the waste.

C: Repositories?

YD: Yes, I don’t know- something to capture it and take it away. Into the sea is probably best – you went a bit mad with all that water.

C: Yes I did get get a bit carried away. Hmm….but this means wherever they go they will need things built in which to deposit their waste. Sounds like a faff to me. I’m not convinced. Tell me more – what about the reproduction side?

YD: Well the man will fertilise an egg in the woman and the woman will give birth to a child

C: How does she give birth?

YD: You know it’s funny but I hadn’t thought of that. I know- I’ll make another hole

C: Another one? Are you making a human or a sieve?

YD: Haha – no it will be ok. It won’t be too big.

C: But big enough for another human to pass through I take it?

YD: Weeeelllllllll….it might need to stretch a bit. I’ll put a bit of elastic in there. It’ll be ok. I’m sure.

C: What about talking? Do they do that?

YD: Yes – there will be a voice box. It’s the newest thing to come out of the labs.

C: Yes I saw the flier. But don’t voice boxes need an outlet? I seem to recall reading that.

YD: Umm yes…so I was thinking….

C: Let me guess – another hole?

YD (smiling broadly): Exactly!

C: I’m sorry. I don’t think this is going to work. Could later patches improve the design?

YD (uncertainly): Possibly. But there can’t be too many patches.

C: Why not?

YD: Well the product will only work for a certain amount of years. Probably 80 or so, if treated very carefully so as not to catch any bugs.

C: 80 years! What’s the point in that?

YD: Well Creator – this is where this comes in.

C: What’s that?

YD: A game – called World of Warcraft – these humans will buy it in their millions.

C (Interested): Buy it you say. For money?

YD: Lots of money. In fact they will pay regularly for it – each month. You know what that means?

C: I can get my yacht?

YD: Exactly

C: Ok let’s go for it. But don’t invest too much in the humans. I just want them working well enough to buy the game. Anything else will be a waste. Put your best developers on World of Warcraft, the second best on Diablo and stick the rest on this.

YD: You’ve got it Sir.

Well it seems I channelled something there – a divine revelation into the meaning and purpose of human life. Now it all makes sense. We’ll never be as good as Diablo or WoW because we were only made to buy them. That’s the sole reason for our existence. And to top it all we’re full of holes too. No wonder we get depressed!

All Grown Up

Aaargh total pressure. This might be a blog post actually read by Blog Azeroth people. I was selected Blog of the Week on Sunday and it’s only now occurred to me (Tuesday) that I actually need to post something (I’m a bit slow on the uptake).

It’s a good time to post though because this week I feel I’ve finally reached a milestone. I’m a real WoW player. I’m doing dailies. Properly. You know – making sure I do them regularly (one might even say daily).

When I first started reading online about WoW and listening to podcasts everyone would talk about doing dailies. It sounded really important. I wondered what it would be like to have dailies to do. How did you get them? Was there a quest line that led to them? They had a total mystique about them. I imagined telling my mother importantly on the phone, “Can’t talk sorry I’m doing dailies,!” and her being suitably impressed by her daughter.

It’s similar to when I was younger – I heard someone say they “owed” their sister 50p. I was awestruck. What did owing mean? I couldn’t conceptualise it at all.All I knew was I equated growing up with being able to owe something. Sadly how right I was.

Of course it’s not that I’ve only recently done my first daily. I have done some previously – in an ad hoc fashion. I never stuck it out for long – a bit of Knights of the Ebon Blade stuff for Terema until I tired of Icecrown (day 2), the Winterspring Frostsaber for Luxmi (I am proud of that one I have to admit!) and..well … that was it. But now it’s a very different story.

With Seashell my level 48 mage I have become quite obsessed with dailies. Every day she does her fishing & cooking ones- both because I want to level them & because I want to get the achievements you get when you do all the fishing dailies in one area, all the cooking ones in one area etc. And I’m actually sticking with it and even enjoying it. I like getting my little green bag after the fishing one & the chef award after the cooking. It is strangely satisfying. And on top of that right now she is also doing the Darkmoon Faire ones (even the annoying games – I’ve become quite the tonk expert) and then the Love is in the Air ones – running around delivering bracelets to the Alliance lords and masters like a deranged suitor.

On top of the dailies thing I’m also finding myself very Achievements focused with her. I’m actually looking at the 100 Mounts achievement and thinking yes I could do that (I’m totally deluding myself of course but that’s beside the point – I have aspirations). The What a Long Strange Trip It’s Been is turning into one of my top priorities in life. What’s happening to me? Seashell’s WoW journey seems so different from any of my other characters. She is doing professions, fishing & cooking, getting reps up, trying to collect mounts and companions and now trying to get some mega achievement. Levelling is turning out to be rather incidental to her journey. It happens while I’m doing other things like finding an area offering me skill up for skinning, exploring new areas in which to fish, running dungeons in tabards to build rep. It’s a much more holistic journey and feels a more well rounded experience. She’s even got her own style courtesy of transmogging.

And the whole thing has reminded me just how great a game this is – it can offer so much variety, so many ways in which to play your character and spend your time online. I know other people feel differently but I personally really do still love playing this game and I’m still finding fresh ways to enjoy it. They say to try to find things in life that get you in the zone – a state of total absorption. It is said to be a good state to be in because it usually means your mind has stopped wandering off to the past or future and is instead in the present. My mind needs that – very much so – and WoW offers it to me. That’s a good thing.

I’d rather have an eye patch

Before I start – just wanted to thank everyone for their kind comments and support after the last post. I do appreciate it. Tank you (I mean Thank you – how Freudian was that?!).

Ok Wow news! Well it’s not good actually (never rains etc!) I’m having to reinstall WoW from scratch. That bloody latest patch has totally messed it up for me. Tried all sorts of fixes and cannot get the optimization thingimajig to work. Just freezes from the start. How arrogant is the whole idea of optimization? I should be able to choose what is optimised when. What next? Blizzard employees to come round the house and optimise my living space (actually I wouldn’t mind that – maybe they could get rid of the stairs  and set up the house with some sort of Nagrand swing bridge affair). Anyway I digress. It’s the stress of inserting, removing and reinserting CD after bloody CD. My fingers ache (yes older generation- I know you did all sorts of hard stuff down mines while surviving on coal sandwiches or whatever – but try reinstalling this monster of a game. Then you’ll know suffering.) Anyway the thing is I have no idea if this will work either. And typically the minute you can’t play something you really desperately want to. I even have a hankering to wander around Shattrath – god how desperate am I? SHATTRATH?! And I had so many hopes for Seashell this weekend (yes I know I should be playing Bravetank but think of Seashell as just a mage version of Bravetank – same horror stories in dungeons just viewed from the back with less wrong turns (although get me – I was asked to guide the group the other day since- amazing- I was the only one who knew the way. A proud moment.) Of course if I’m not talking about Bravetank then you are losing out on my tanking wisdom…hmm ….yes…exactly….

But also playing Seashell recently has allowed me to revisit all the early dungeons again and see how other tanks do it. Some do it better. They don’t cry and stuff. Show offs. But some thankfully do it far far worse! Which is nice to know.

The following is just some of what I’ve been involved in over the past few weeks (pre patch – oh those heady innocent days):-

1. Tanks that claim to be the leaders, demand we follow them no matter what (deranged egomaniacs), but then show they have no clue about the dungeon at all by leading us to our deaths. And in most cases – because we’ve been indoctrinated to think the tank is Queen (or King -  yes yes I know some men play tanks too but who takes them seriously in that skimpy gear …oh sorry got that the wrong way round) we follow. And when you don’t …oh lordy lord. Then it all kicks off. The best example of this was in Uldaman where one of the DPS did that thing you do (hmm “that thing you do” – that could be the name of a film – or it is –ok – move along) to make the huge lady boss comes out (you know – the one that could take the Statue of Liberty lady in a fight) but the tank & healer didn’t realise (or care) & carried on pulling another group of mobs further on. They died. Quickly. The two other DPS and I fought the boss valiantly but ended up dying too. Someone mass ressed us and then it started. The tank blamed us for not following even when they were wrong, the DPS said they couldn’t since the boss had been summoned, insults started flying, mothers were discussed. Then the thing came up to boot the tank – but I (stupidly) thought we should give him another chance. Everyone can get it wrong I thought. So I refused to kick much to the other DPSs annoyance.  We carried on fighting. A fantastic cloth chest item dropped that was a massive upgrade for me. I rolled need because there was no arguing about it – this was good for me. And the tank rolled need too!! I couldn’t believe it. And he won!! I’d saved him and he did that to me. This time I initiated the vote kick – maybe petty I know but honestly– and this time he went. I’ll probably never give anyone the benefit of the doubt again (so sorry husband if I find your head in some other woman’s cleavage- no benefit of the doubt from me).

2. The other great experience was in Scarlet Monastery Cathedral. Now I admit I’ve done that so many times now I finally know the tactic – kill all the mobs before going anywhere near the boss. Only took me like 100 times- I am totally improving my gameplay. I also know that not everyone else knows this. For some people it’s their first time in there and I know only too well what that’s like so I am very nice and stuff. But there was one tank recently who just seemed to relish pulling everything in sight deliberately. In the beginning I think he did it because he honestly thought he was so great he could handle it. But when that failed he tried to make it look like he was doing it on purpose (a “That didn’t hurt” sort of thing, and “See I really really want to die a thousand deaths, I loves it I does” – I’m convinced he spoke like that). He was typing lots of cackling laughter into Party chat while we died again and again and my little armor guy was getting redder and redder until I started fearing it would all fall off). I could feel my hatred rising. Why didn’t I just leave you might be wondering? Well it was greed and vanity pure and simple. I wanted – nay desired with a purple passion – the Whitemane chapeau for Seashell. First time I’ve ever deliberately sought a special item of clothing. I’ve become all superficial and stuff. She’ll be waxing lyrical about manolo blahniks or whatever they’re called before you know it and then I might just have to hit her over the head with my Deadwood boxset until she starts valuing dirt, dust and cussing again. Anyway I wanted to wear this delectable head item with my self made Robes of Power (Seashell is an  accomplished tailor & will of course go into business full time when she tires of all this arcane barraging). And it did drop for me in the end & I did win the need roll so I guess it was worth the repair bills but not the stomach ulcer, blood pressure and all the material spent on a voodoo doll of that little tank.

On the subject of my outfit by the way (I think I’m actually channelling Carrie Bradshaw now…no wait…just checked – still have a braincell so I’m ok ….I know I know miaow)- I actually have gone past the level of Robe of Power so have transmogged another piece to look like it (my first bit of mogging). The chapeau looks gorgeous with it I think…. but someone made fun of me in Stormwind. “Nice transmog they said” which I took at face value at first but they followed it up with “lololol” which I take it is not good. Would have posted a screenshot but as you might have heard I’M HAVING TO REINSTALL ALL OF WOW AGAIN

Anyway in the time it’s taken me to write the above I’m on Wrath of the Lich king which is taking ages and is accompanied by background music that is just…well..it’s no Glee I tell you that. Anyway lovely. Great way to spend a Saturday. Please all join together and pray to Elune that it works for me once they’re all installed – I need WoW, I do, I even miss Dire Maul now. This is getting bad.

Oh and before I go I’ve also written something for the F Word site – if you’re interested it can be found here. http://www.thefword.org.uk/reviews/2012/02/youll_catch_you

A Safe Life

Feeling stupidly guilty about posting an entirely non-WoW related post here. There’s lots about WoW I could be saying but other things are going on (in my head mostly) and I find it’s them I want to write about. But I feel guilty about  not writing about Bravetank or one of my other characters or my new auction house addiction (is there anything nicer than an inbox full of successful auctions?) But the fingers type what they will.

Life is feeling so odd right now. I’m up, then down, then up again. Poor husband doesn’t know which Michelle he’s talking to from one moment to the next (crazy excited about a new quark dessert or weeping bitter tears at the memory of some event when I was five years old). I’m in a new post in work which I love but I’m full of rage and pain over what happened previously. I wake up having arguments with the people involved even though it was all four months ago. When will that stop? I’m near to tears if I talk about it, or my heart is pumping in anger. When will that change?

There are problems in my family and they’re upsetting me. One member of my family  seems destined to – unintentionally – cause the same pain and heartache to his child that was done to us both in our childhood. It seems we take many of the same roads our parents took – but for different reasons. The end is always the same though.

For me there was a high price to pay for much of what happened to me – some of which continues to be paid now. OCD is one of them only and in a way that’s the easiest to talk about because I know it sounds so crazy I can laugh about it when I talk. But really it’s not a light and frothy thing – particularly not when I’m in the throes of it. It’s a tiring exhausting thing. A thing that splits me in two -  the person looking on knowing logically it doesn’t really matter if I touch a surface 16 times (always in 4 lots of  4) but the other side of me that is terrified that if – just this one time – I don’t do it (or god forbid do it but only 13 times) bad things will happen. Better be safe than sorry days says the voice that keeps me tapping. It’s always kept me tapping.

The OCD never really gets any better. It may ebb, but it always flows, and sometimes the tidal wave overwhelms me. The worst times were during exams, when I transferred universities and  – oddly enough – every Xmas for as long as I can remember. Hard times. I’ve been through periods of having to list every thing I’m worried about in detail with numerous subsections under each item covering every eventuality of the anxiety and what I can do to mitigate it. Part of being safe – always protecting myself from the imagined horrors of the future. I should have been a lawyer. My pre-nup drafting skills would have been second to none. Or I’ve lost evenings unable to sit still, having to pick up every tiny bit of fluff that catches my eye, washing my hands each time because if I don’t …well I don’t know, but it will not be good. I sound insane I know.  Poor husband has to just look on, or, wonderfully, will sometimes tackle whatever is troubling me himself (he’s an expert fluff eradicator). He is so patient and kind. Thankfully it doesn’t happen in work  – work provides relief from it. I’ve never known why. Just as I’ve never known why Xmas makes it worse. I recently started taking medication for it, although I’m ashamed to tell many people. I feel like a failure because it’s come to this. I sense my mother’s disapproval and disappointment about it although she’s never said anything.

And the periodic limb movements – I have them when I’m sleeping (I’ve had them for the past year). They were getting worse – sometimes going on for hours. So last week I gave in and accepted medication from the doctor. Thankfully it does seem to be working. But it looks like that’s for life, there is no cure and the side effects of these tablets don’t make for pleasant reading. So it’s tablets to stop the counting and tablets to stop the twitching. What’s next?

I’m eating healthier than ever – more fruit & veg, less processed bread, less chocolate. I haven’t drunk alcohol for over a year and I don’t smoke. Yet by about 7pm each night I just want to go to sleep. Husband doesn’t see me all day and then I’m sleepy in the night. I’m great company. Exercise is going well but only on the weekend (rowed 10KM on Sunday- was sore), so I feel guilty about the lack of exercise in the week. I’m also not happy with the weighing scales (misbehaving) although husband says I’m tiny and all my clothes are still the same- I’m hoping it’s muscle but is that denial?

I love my job but feel frustrated that too many egos jostle and stand in the way of progress. I want to see results – I’m enthusiastic and committed to everything we are doing, but it is hard to drive things forward when different people  have conflicting views on how to do them and challenge is not appropriate. I feel caught in the middle at all times, and not sure what’s the best action, what’s the safest action. There it is again – safety. I don’t how to be courageous and safe. Can you be both?

I want to pour my heart out to my parents about so much stuff and yet I find the only place I can do it is in my dreams. I cannot reach out to them in real life. But the desire to do it is overwhelming. Particularly to my mother.

I’m 39. I never thought I’d feel like this at my age! I feel like I’m waiting for something to start. That I’m in some sort of holding pattern. But I don’t know what I’m waiting for and what, if anything, is holding me back. Everything feels temporary and I’m really scared of that.

I wish I could hold onto the good things. I wish I could accept the darkness of the past and reassure myself that I only know it as dark because I’m now in the light. But  it creeps up and scares me. And I don’t like being scared. I want to be safe.