Ok this is my first proper Bravetank post written on my new netbook – a Christmas present from my lovely husband and father-in-law. It enables me to write my blog posts while sitting curled up on the sofa in a posture never ever recommended in any work DSE assessments. It’s all very nice and cosy aside from the fact that bloody Gulliver’s Travels is on in the background (don’t get me started on Jack Black) and the netbook is stopping me from typing every five seconds to ask solicitously whether I want to install this or that update and did I know that this or that application is very resource intensive etc – basically it’s like an anxious grandmother asking me if I’m studying too hard or want to put on an extra layer. It will not stop nagging me and when I ignore the messages it flashes icons at me – passively aggressively rebuking me and my lacksadaisical attitude to updates.
Anyway – I have been thinking today about what I want out of WoW in the year ahead. In fact not just WoW – what I want out of my life basically. But this is all so cliched I’m actually cringing as I write it. The New Year draws near I’m thinking about next year – goals, objectives, aspirations. I hate being so predictable. Why can’t I be sitting here thinking about the best way to clip a pig’s toe nails or something (do pigs even have toes or should I be thinking more in terms of hooves?) Actually I’m not just thinking about everything I want to do in 2012 – my crazy need (although husband sweetly tells me it’s endearing) to compartmentalise everything means I’m actually anxiously sitting here pie-charting up my daily week into something that will enable me to be 2012’s “Renaissance Girl” (complete with catsuit and cloak – the catsuit has musical notes on it, the cloak has a talent tree embroidered on the back). This means WoW player (tank mainly of course – but with time for all my alts), blogger, keyboard player, script writer, runner, and culture and current affairs guru.
This on top of my actual job in which I want to be successful, impressive, forward thinking and so innovative I continually astound everyone with my insights and forecasts (which means finding time outside work to research new ideas, innovations and developments). Of course in my fantasy every board meeting in which I impress with this or that idea ends with someone handing me an electric guitar with which I then astound everyone with my musical talents, and then autograph my novel that has just won the Booker prize.
Ok- back to reality- I would also like to eat out more, go camping regularly, be a loving family member and have a wonderful skin care regime.
And drink more water.
Aaaaahhh!!! How can I do it all? Earlier I sat here reading one of the books I had for Xmas (Anne Tyler- Searching for Caleb) I’m half thinking about the other books I had (if you’re interested- Graham Greene,The Heart of the Matter; Emma Forrest, Your Voice in my Head; Charlie Brooker, The Hell of It All; Blake Morrison, The Last Weekend; Sarah Waters, Fingersmith; Virginia Woolf, Mrs Dalloway; David Foster Wallace, Girl with Curious Hair and the Alan Partridge biography) – thinking which one I will read next and how quick I can do it so I can read the next, then the next etc.
In fact I never fully focus on anything while I do it – as I watch TV I think about how I can become more knowledgeable about current affairs. As I run I think about doing my own WoW podcast (we need more Welsh accents in WoW broadcasting I think!) and when I play Bravetank I worry that my shaman (or some other dps) is being neglected.
What is the answer to all this? I want to achieve so much and enjoy so much. I get wildly excited about silly things (I jumped up and down earlier when I discovered we had some herbal tea in the house!) but then I quickly get overwhelmed with it all (not so much by the herbal tea- I think I’ve settled on the one I want). And then I get fearful that something awful will happen and I won’t be able to do any of it anyway and then I know if that happens I’ll will think back to this exact time when I got stressed about how much I wanted to do and think, “Those were the glory days alright- now I’ve ruined it all by not appreciating it when I had it.” The other day I was enjoying myself reading when the thought struck me that one day I might go blind. I hope Peter will read to me then, I thought to myself, so I’ll still have the pleasure of books. But what if you’re deaf came the next thought. Braille? I suggested to myself – but already I was wondering how you learn braille if you’re both blind and deaf – I mean how do you know what the word you’re feeling is? Then I started thinking about the scene from the Helen Keller film when Anne finally understands what water is – but how would that have worked for complex philosophical ideas I wondered? (Though thinking about it if I was struck both blind and deaf would my first question be how do I now read deep philosophical ideas? I suspect not.) Anyway on and on it went. You see where I’m going with this – every time I enjoy myself in the moment I have the fear of that moment being taken away from me forever and I have to immediately come up with some sort of plan as to what I would do if that did happen.
In fact this is the exact thing that stops me tanking as much as I want to. I think – what if this or that happens, what if I get lost, what if the DPS criticise me, what if, what if, what if. I’m either timetabling my life or contingency planning.
I had my Myers Briggs results in work last week – I am INTJ – but the T was very slight and my extreme dislike of any degree of conflict suggests more P. But the J was very strong. J dominates my life. I think that’s good in work, and good to a point outside work, but when I’m sitting here dividing all my spare time into half hour blocks so I can become Renaissance Girl extraordinaire it’s gone too far.
Live in the moment everyone says but when I think of that I imagine myself just standing there gazing around me vacantly - doing nothing & thinking nothing. And that terrifies me. And yet as I toss and turn in bed, twitch and kick out when I sleep, dream about work, plan and re-plan, worry and stress I think maybe that’s just what I need – some silence, some stillness, some peace. But what happens then?
Wow, what a great read. I like the posts that bloggers write about themselves. I enjoy seeing the differences and similarities we have as writers. It takes a special person to put it out there, the good, the bad & the I can’t believe I actually said that. I enjoy reading your posts and I think you are indeed a Bravetank.
Aww thank you. That’s so nice. Sometimes I really worry that I’m too open in the blog – but when I really think about it I can’t see the point of me doing it if I’m not going to be honest about who I am (including all my neurotic tendencies!) And it makes me feel better to write about things. Thank you for reading & for your lovely comment.
Great post! Really liked reading it. I’m a wonderful planner, and a lousy ‘do-er’. And I’ve started my skincare regime this week.
Thank you. I’m really glad you liked it. And I’m glad I’m not the only one thinking about skincare regimes
I never make resolutions, I forget I made them and then get disappointed when I remember them. I so relate to the what ifs, I do that constantly, I’ve lived through so many scenarios in my mind that never come to pass.
Hopefully Bravetank will have some peace in the New Year and continue tanking her way to glory!
Thank you!! Hope you have a wonderful 2012 too!
Great post – its funny, I think alot of the same things you do!!
Skincare is also one of my resolutions this year!! 
So far so good! And GL with your WoW characters!
I’m glad I’m not alone thinking these things – why do we do it to ourselves though? Just listened to a podcast up the gym that said we should think of behaviour as a skill that can be practiced- so think of the new behaviour you want & then practice it, one step at a time. I want to be a person that doesn’t feel so much pain, hurt, guilt and regret about the past, that doesn’t worry what people think about me, isn’t anxious about the future & isn’t overwhelmed with everything I want to do! I think it might be easier to focus on the skincare!!! Well done on your’s going well!!
As I am obsessed with accents (as if you hadn’t noticed), my first comment _must_ read: when will I be able to listen to this trainwr- I mean, wonderful podcast of yours? *evil grin*
I myself never make resolutions. I am awfully bad at seeing things through, it’s pathetic. I get excited to do something, then begin it, let it sit there _for one minute_ and never touch it again because something else caught my attention (which reminds me of at least 3 projects I want to finish before long…). Usually something that requires little to no effort. “What? I haven’t completed the term paper I have to hand in tomorrow? Never mind, I’m going to play, go to sleep early and work through the morning.” (I never go to bed early in those cases)
Oh, did I mention I regularly forget my own birthday? Curiously, this happens every 365.25 days — interesting, isn’t it?
And because I got really frustrated with myself for not meeting the standards I set myself, I avoid them altogether.
Also, I have a terrible memory. I only remember the most useless things. I could probably tell you which drops my druid wanted back in vanilla, how much my priest’s Atonement healed with level 32, but could never memorize vocabulary. In fact, I just scrolled up to reread your fancy-language adjective for “I-don’t-care”.
And a final comment on tanking more: it is always harder to take instances you don’t know well, and especially with people you don’t know well. Friends are your safety net. I wouldn’t have gained confidence in my tanking abilities if I hadn’t been allowed to make mistakes and not made to feel bad for them.
Can’t get husband to agree to a podcast being a good idea (don’t think he could roll his eyes more emphatically than he has done!) even thought I’ve shown him all the great sound effects I’ll use and practised my podcast voice! But one day one day! I agree about tanking with friends too – you need to feel safe to make mistakes. Or develop a thicker skin I guess.