Really struggled on WoW yesterday and for once this wasn’t because of a bad group or losing my way in a dungeon. It was because I felt a bit weary of it all. Really weary.
It started off fairly promisingly. I decided to log on yesterday afternoon after having quite a busy day. I’d done a bit of early morning Xmas shopping (in which I wore a very festive woollen hat & felt like the star of a daytime made for TV Xmas movie). I managed to order husband a really cool present about which I can’t say anything on here obviously then went up the gym and did 5KM on the cross trainer (that on top of my 5 km on the rower the day before & my 10 km on the bike the day before that show I am a person in serious training for Xmas indulgence). So I was feeling all virtuous and ready to reward myself with for some gaming fun.
First disappointment - I thought (because I don’t pay attention to anything around me unless it’s a gossip) that the WoW 7 year anniversary levelling boost would be (a) forever (b) available to all your characters. Yes I know. I’m stupid. My excuse is it offered increased levelling speed and that makes all sense of logic and reason escape me (as you know I do all but level backwards). So I logged on one of my least played characters (for some reason the OCD gods demanded I log on each character in increasing importance and playtime culminating in Bravetank -the OCD gods make strange demands on me). So on came my level 8 hunter who still thinks Quest Helper is cutting edge. Nothing was in her mail box. Out of guilt I briefly considered playing her but as she’s a Blood Elf in Eversong Woods I found the idea of sawing off my toes far more appealing so I left her and made my way to the shed.
Only joking. I have not been to the shed since I signed the Treaty of No More Scares Please with the spider population of Wales – I don’t go there, they don’t come in the house. So instead I tried Androse my healer. Felt very guilty with her- she’s in her 50s and looked to have a promising career in the health profession until I got a touch of healing stage fright. Nothing in her mail box either. Refusing to look her in the eyes I logged her out and logged Bravetank on and saw the 7th anniversary icon thingy greyed out- can no longer be used. So that’s that. That vital 7% increase in levelling speed that was making such a difference is no more.
So I checked my quest log – I had an appointment in Terokkar Forest it seemed since I had pretty much finished Zangarmarsh. Now I liked Terokkar Forest first time round with Terema. I’d been pretty shellshocked by Hellfire Peninisula (cried to go home through most of it) – all that fiery reddness, raging boars and terrifying Fel Reaver – well it was like some sort of …what would you call it …a peninsular – set in something like a raging hellfire. Who’d have thought it? Zangarmarsh was a relief after that but eventually one gets tired of mushrooms and annoying lifts. But Terokkar Forest had the touch of old Elwynn about it. I felt like I’d returned home and I remember thinking yes maybe maybe I can get to grips with Outlands. But yesterday. Oh my god. I’ve never felt such despair. It started when I saw the 7 or 8 yellow exclamation marks in Allerian Stronghold. Normally yellow exclamation marks fill me with joy. Yellow marks = quests= question marks= experience. Not as snappy a formula as anything Einstein came up with but you get the idea. But yesterday there just seemed so many of them. And more than that – it all seemed pointless. I started to see stretching out ahead of me the repetitiveness of picking up the quest, going to kill ten of something or collect 20 of something by killing 30-40 (depending on drop rates) or speaking to X who’d tell me something interesting that I’d impatiently skip over because I’m so desperate to turn yellow exclamation marks into question marks and see my experience grow. And on and on it goes until my blue bar fills up, I ding, maybe get a talent point to spend or a spell to learn, maybe not, and then I take a breath and start again. I realised I really go nowhere in the game- the scenery and npcs change around me depending on which bit of computer code is being read, and my bunch of pixels stay in the same place effectively doing the same thing over and over again. And I enjoy that! Usually. In fact whenever I’ve been level capped and had no experience bar to fill I’ve become completely depressed. I like the bar- I want to make it grow and it seems I’m prepared to do it by doing the same thing over and over and over again. And when I get tired of that on one character I log in on an alt and do it again. But not yesterday. I just couldn’t do it.
I hope it was just a blip. I’ve always enjoyed computer games- the challenge of learning something (how to do this & that with a character), exploring and being impressed by cool graphics and atmospherics, helping my characters become more powerful. But yesterday I could not see a goal worth striving for. Yesterday it did not seem like a good use of my time. Yesterday it all seemed futile.
I did try. I went out and defended a tower (no one was around so I just stood there watching the bar move and thought how glad I was I’d been put on the earth to do this) & then I went to do that Private Weeks quest where you wear a disguise that disappears if you mount or fight (what kind of flimsy ass disguise is that?). A very frustrating quest. I could not find the third person I was meant to speak to and got discoverered roaming around the enemy camp for the hundreth time. What followed was the only highlight of my gaming afternoon – I got attacked by about ten mobs and in a Scarface like frenzy I took them all out. Nothing and nobody was too much for me. Bravetank had discovered her life had no purpose and so she became brilliantly fearless.
But when it was over and I took a look at the bodies strewn around me (alright I admit I looted them like the pro I am – even nihilists have armor repairs) – the sense of futility returned. With slumped shoulders (my own – Bravetank has amazing posture) I took her to Shattrath – picked up another three quests (clearly on automatic pilot ) and then plonked her down in a seedy part of the city – too lazy to find somewhere nice even though I always feel guilty when I log my characters out like that (won’t even log them out standing up – all I think of is how tired their legs will be when I next log in).
So what a washout. Every single thing the game offered held no charm for me. That’s not like me at all. I hate it when that happens. And it doesn’t take long to go from pondering the pointlessness of the game to pondering the meaning of life itself. What it’s all for? You get up, work, eat, watch TV, play games, talk, worry, sleep. And the days go by, and the weeks, months and years. You look forward to those special moments – a nice meal, a good conversation, a warm bath and you feel lucky to have them when so many people don’t and so many people suffer, but the bigger question remains unanswered. What is it all for – the good and the bad? I feel like there’s some secret that’s just at the edge of my understanding. I can’t quite grab it. Or maybe I just don’t want to. Maybe it’s because I think the secret is it’s all for nothing, nothing will last, not even the love we sometimes say is the answer to everything, one of these days the breath I draw will be my last and that will be it. Gone. Is life about reaching out to others and not being alone, or is it about coming to terms with the fact you are nothing but alone in your own head, always have been and always will. Right to the very end until it’s game over.
Oh my god. Now I’m down. Really down. What I should do is log on and create a new character. That always gets me back into the game. And as long as I’m into the game then I’m busy and not thinking about the road I’m on – a road that I’ll never see the end of because I’ll disappear before it does.
I know, I feel that way sometimes, just not right now. Right now I have finished scrubbing the extensive kitchen and entryway floor in preparation for the holidays. I now feel a great interest in all things Azeroth.
For me, there’s nothing like a dose of rl cleaning to make me appreciate all those wonderful repetitive tasks waiting for me. They are calling to me but I’ve got another room to go.
Hope that a new character does the trick for you!
We all go through it I guess. And you’re right- doing some real life chores can make you really appreciate the escapism of the repetitive tasks in game!!
I can appreciate where you’re coming from. It will, like most things, pass at least, it does for me.
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I was interested to read about how you leave your characters when you log out. That’s about my level of RP. Don’t jump down stairs, sit down before logging – rl kind of things. I look at people springing down huge stairs going oomph at the bottom and running off. I wonder if a real warrior, in plate armour, would even vaguely consider doing that.
Ah well. Be blue. Have a drink ( a good one), a good sleep and before you know it you’ll be killing hogs for a no-name NPC and enjoying it again
Yes I’m sure it will pass. Maybe it’s just that particular zone. I should probably try one of the other Outlands areas – maybe Bravetank could handle the next zone up. That might help. And I’m glad I’m not the only one that thinks in rl terms about characters standing up when logged out & things like that!
I go through slumps like this all the time – and making a new character for me makes it *worse*.
I’ve done Loremaster (complete every quest, in every zone in the game) and the idea of doing ONE MORE QUEST fills me with a strong desire to dropkick the NPC and turn off the PC in favor of something more fun. Like pouring vinegar into an open wound.
But it does pass. I found that having a goal other than Leveling is the key. Do something in game that had nothing to do with that ‘ding’.
I collect pets. Its something I do when I’m bored of dailies and I’m waiting for my guildies to suggest something fun.
I also work on getting all my reputations up – and I’ve set myself a goal of making gold…
The more little things that you do, you’ll see that there is more to the game than the grind.
(and p.s – I totally killed Deathwing before lunch!!!)
(pps – I’m telling everyone, sorry!)
(ppps – I feel so HARDCORE RAIDER right now!)
Firstly congrats on Deathwing!!!! That’s excellent & totally hardcore!!!!
Also hats off for Loremaster- every quest in every zone!! That is incredible. I do sometimes think I should come at it from a different angle to levelling – & I do like raising reputations. I think that could help.
Pro tip for your experience bar fun!
When you are 85 and have no more experience bar, you can set your reputations as an experience bar….that way you still get to see some progress.
Darraxus – I do that!
It really helps too!
Yes I am definitely going to do that – if I ever get to 85 that is!
I know that feeling too damn well.
I don’t have a nihilistic view on life itself – I’m a happy atheist content to enjoy the ride, no need for a final destination to make my life have meaning – but the sense of running a treadmill in game? Sure. Been there several times.
Now that I think about it, well, maybe there’s a parallel between life and WoW there – I used to be concerned only about the level cap, “where the real game begins”, but since Blizzard has changed that paradigm in the last couple years to “the endgame resets every new tier”, my goals have changed. There’s no “afterlife” after the end game waiting for you, so why ignore the nice things on the way?
I don’t worry about the “final destination” anymore, I just enjoy the ride. Of course it’s just meaningless pixels and filled bars and bigger numbers and a career and a nice house, but they’re not *the point*, they were never the point – they’re only the vehicle that you ride on. The ride is the point. The nice moments, the view, the new things you see and taste and the bad things on the way that make the good things look even better… those are the point. And their meaning is whatever you give them, no outside source can give you that. And now I’m kind of lost in the metaphors convoluting my own train of thought and I’m not even sure if I’m talking about WoW or life.
What I meant to say is, happy birthday! You’re a great writer, whose texts paint the picture of a great person in real life, so you do deserve a joyful ride. Don’t waste time obsessing about the end of the road, or you’ll miss the beautiful landmarks on the way!
Thank you. You are right – I should really focus on the journey itself not what lies at the end. I’m too end goal focussed in everything. I really like the way you described the ride being the point & the meaning being whatever you give it. That really resonated with me. Thank you.
Your not along in these kind of feelings. My advice? Just take a step away for a bit
Yes you’re definitely right. To be honest I already feel different – I’m just going to do some different things in the game & try to shake it up a bit.
I had this problem in LoTRO, a game I’ve played on and off for a few years never really expecting to do ‘end-game’ in it. I finally got my main to the end of the original game (before the two expansions) and entered the Mines of Moria which should have been an awe-inspiring moment. But I’d played it a bit too intensively to push past the grindy quests to finish the old areas and in the end arriving in Moria and seeing all those ‘new quest!’ markers everywhere was too much.
Always worth taking a break from a game if you get to that point.
Yes you’re right. Haven’t played all week but went in today & actually enjoyed it & managed to level up. Once I’d cleared two or three of the quests it all suddenly seemed more enjoyable.
“Every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance.” – Jean-Paul Sartre
That’s existentialism, not nihilism, but I’m not posting to show off
To me, the answer to the question you are asking, (what does it all mean?) and Sartre answered, (nothing) has a much more compelling answer. Michel Foucault, a French philosopher who came along a good bit after Sartre, wrote “I don’t feel that it is necessary to know exactly what I am. The main interest in life and work is to become someone else that you were not in the beginning.”
Sartre poked big holes in all the old reasons why, looked at the mess that was left, and concluded that because those reasons were faulty, there was no reason at all; life is painful and meaningless. Foucault saw the same mess, the destruction of established meaning, and found instead freedom, the freedom to create and do and be whatever and however we wish. He answers the question “what does it all mean?” with “whatever you want.”
Foucault and Sartre each stare into the void; one sees a terrifying great emptiness that threatens to swallow up our meager little lives, and the other sees a vast canvass, perfectly blank, waiting for us to fill it however we choose. I’m sure they are both right, but Foucault’s version pushes me to make my life beautiful, while Sartre’s only makes me want to get drunk so I don’t have to worry about it.
Sometimes I see it Sartre’s way, and feel that yawning emptiness, but when I do, I think of Foucault, and I recognize in that emptiness my own infinite capacity for change.
Perhaps I’ve rambled on long after your interest evaporated, and if so I apologize
Cannot tell you how much I love your comment – in particular for opening me up to the Fourcault way of looking at the void & your own summary when you say you recognize in the emptiness your own “infinite capacity for change.” Truly inspiring & has really made me think. Thank you. I will try & keep returning to that when I have my regular Sartre moments!!
Foucault is one of my favorite philosophers, you should read more of his stuff! Wikipedia is a quick easy way to start, and that will point you to more, if you’re interested. He writes about systems of health and punishment, government, sex, and – my favorite – the relationship between truth and power. He also writes in a very accessible style that translates well to English if, like me, you aren’t fluent in French.
I’d also recommend reading more Sartre. There’s something about the way he responds to his depressing conclusions that I really appreciate (in small doses!) and can relate too. It’s terribly bleak, but useful. We all have those times when we have to just accept the awfulness of something, and with open eyes push forward despite the absence of any reward for our suffering.
Happy thinking! I hope you find something useful
I’m sure I will. Thank you for pointing me in that direction. Much appreciated.