Confession time – I’m not enjoying Darkmoon Faire. Understatement of the year really. I think I hate it. It is a stark reminder to me of my laziness in this game – and no one likes those sorts of stark reminders.
It started off enjoyable enough. I followed the floaty arrows all the way down the road oohing and aahing at everything I saw. Like a compulsive shopper I found the armor sellers right away and did some online window shopping by hitting the ctrl key to see what Bravetank would look like if she had all that nice gear. I discovered gold and red are definitely her colours and I got all excited. And then I worked out (with some clever mental arithmetic – can’t see the kids doing that these days) how many tickets that would take and I started to cry – a lot. Why is getting such cool gear so hard? And when I say hard I don’t mean hard as in the “I’m going to climb Mount Everest on one foot” or “I am going to canoe down the rapids with my teeth” sort of hard – a challenging obstacle to be overcome- the sort that leaves you all puffed up and proud for days (or with broken teeth if you try the canoe thing). I mean hard as in pointless, tedious and frustrating.
I mean honestly in real life you go to a fair maybe what – once a year? You have a try on a couple of the stalls, win some crap, indulge yourself with some candyfloss or a burger and then go on some rides that seem way scarier now than when you were a child who believed in the security of nuts and bolts. That’s it. You do not obsessively explore every single inch of said fair (getting lost because every bloody area looks like the other) trying to find some insanely frustrating game to play that will take you four attempts before you get one measly ticket (of which you need what feels like 4 million for half a balloon) & then find you can’t do that game again until the next day (not that you’d want to of course – by now your family are carefully escorting you from the fair as you gibber something about tokens and tickets and pretty gold things). The more I think about it the more I think I’d rather stick my head in my fishtank and entertain the guppies with some opera than go to the fair again – any fair. It’s put me off them all.
I really dislike the games. That shooting one – there’s no real skill for that is there? You just sort of twist your body around a bit I think. Mind you took me 20 attempts to get the required number of hits so I’m probably doing it all wrong. God forbid you stand too close or too far away though. The fair gods do not like that. But maybe the fair gods should look at why you’re having such difficulty standing at the exact right point. It’s because all & sundry with a flying mount are piled around the stalls. How lazy are they? In my day it was considered bad manners to stay on your horse when you talked to someone- even the milkman. And it was worse if you were on a flying horse since the wings tickled the milkman’s nose. Very bad form that was. Anyway I think the zone should be a compulsory dismount zone. In fact you should have those precious tickets taken off you if you even so much as think about clicking on your mount button.
Then there are the tonks. They brought out the bad side of me. I have never hurled such vile expressions at my computer before. There’s that moment when you think you’re going well, then you’re targeted and then without any ceremony the fair gods (again throwing their weight around like gods who have only one week a month to show off) eject you back outside. There’s no compromise, no negotiation – you would expect that from bouncers in a nightclub if you were acting a bit lary but not on a tonk, god no, not on a TONK.
Then the mole thing. I was quite good at that. I found the perfect position – got my protractor and ruler out, consulted my old maths text books – voila – I had about 5 barrels in my sight. I was very proud of this. I even learnt quite quickly that the dolls stun you. Only hit about three and I identified the pattern. Quick learner me. Now if only I could stop having an electric shock every time I get a sweet.
What else- oh yes tonk rubbish. I really really like working as a cleaner in my online game. Such a good way to switch off…. Of course it’s all so timeconsuming I have to ignore my real life cleaning to do it. I can only hope that my life is really a computer game & somewhere above me some sucker is just about to get busy doing all my cleaning to earn his little ticket. Honestly- I think that is really the secret of the universe. We’re all in a game being played by someone else. My life is in hard mode obviously but I think I might get a rocket launcher on my second time round.
Then there’s the cannon ball thing – fun but the run back is tedious. Where is the guy you can speak to who can teleport you back? Does he exist or is he a cruel joke by Blizzard to remind us who’s really the boss around here (they are-you know they are- look at what they’ve got you doing for a few measly tickets – circus animals are treated better).
That leaves I think breaded frog legs – fairly easy (even for one as inept as myself) & killing 250 creatures that give experience. Unfair advantage there to anyone who gets experience killing things in Elwynn Forest which is a portal away- bloody Level 5s – they think they rule the roost.
Today & yesterday I woke up fully intending to do all the dailies in the faire. My little eyes were lit up with the thought of all the pretty gold and red things. But this evening and yesterday evening I haven’t even logged on- I just can’t face it. And this is not me. I’m a firm believer that you have to work hard for what you want in life. But those games – they make me really weigh up how much I want gold and red pixels. I mean I could just open up photoshop and get them – in a row even. I will work hard at levelling because I love going up levels & gaining new spells & abilities etc. I will work hard in dungeons because I want to get better at playing my character and want the group to love me. And there just is something hugely satisfying about performing well, completing quests, killing bosses. But I cannot find that same enjoyment at the faire. The ticket reward should be greater given the tedium of the games – it’s the only thing that would work for me. Just as I would not spend hours in a fair trying to throw a hoop over a cuddy toy so I will not spend days each month throwing a hoop over a tortoise. I just won’t. I have my pride. I’d rather kill spore bats instead.
So I will leave the faire and go back to Zangarmarsh and continue my charity work there trying to help the Cenarion Expedition reverse the devastation of the land. I mean- that’s got to be more important than playing around in a faire anyway. I’m an ecological warrior really - a hero. And no I’m not just a player too lazy to farm tickets for what I really wants. After all gold and red are so last season.